Cavs Go for World Record: Ode to the Snuggie

There’s a war going on.

No, I’m not talking about international affairs. I’m talking about who really created the “Snuggie.” Don’t roll your eyes. It’s true.

Why am I writing about this when there are many other important things to talk about, like U.S hockey kind of being miracle-ish or Johnny Damon’s top 10 list of reasons to love Detroit.

Well, for starters, I’m the last person who should comment on either of those things. I’ll leave that to other people who really know what they’re talking about.

Instead, I’m fixated on something far more intriguing. On March 5, the Cleveland Cavaliers are going to make a run at a Guinness World Record. 

Hold your applause. It gets better.

See, the Cavaliers aim high. They’re gunning to win a world record for the “largest gathering of people wearing fleece.”

Now, for those of you who might be momentarily sidetracked as I was at the image of thousands of Cavs’ fans packing the Q draped in sheepskins, it’s not that kind of fleece. It’s the synthetic kind.

It’s the big, shapeless, as-seen-on-TV kind. It’s the “Snuggie.” A sellout crowd is going to don special limited edition Cavalier Snuggies and wear them for five minutes before the game starts. A Guinness official will be on hand to certify the record.

Hold on, I’m getting images of Ralphie trudging down the steps swathed in a pink bunny costume. My feet are even starting to sweat a little.

Before I hear howls of protest from all of you Snuggie-loving hordes out there, let me say that I have nothing against the Snuggie. Heck, I think going for a world record in fleece is hilar- er, great.

And I speak as a Guinness World Record holder myself. That’s right. I was one of the largest number of people to do the “chicken dance” when 72,000 strutted their stuff at the Canfield Fair in Ohio in 1996. That record may still stand, despite several attempts to break it.

I flapped and shimmied with the best of them. So, I am not about the use this space to ridicule such an attempt.

I merely want to ask: why stop there? Sure, it’s fun to get those records for the largest number of people doing the same thing at the same time. But maybe the Cavs should up the ante.

Why not go for the “largest number of dunks by NBA players wearing fleece”? Or maybe “longest time professional basketball players wearing fleece can run the floor before passing out”?

Who knows, maybe Snuggies have unknown aerodynamic qualities, like flying squirrels . “LeBron takes off from mid-court and swoops in for a dunk from outer space. Would you look at that? He even pulled a back flip in mid-air!”

I’m pretty sure that hasn’t made it into the record books. Although, I’m not sure they make Snuggies big enough to fit Shaq. Hmmm.

This gets us back to the war. Oh, yeah, it’s still going on.

Let me see if I’ve got it right. Somebody apparently created the “Freedom Blanket” and then somebody else made a copy and marketed the heck out of it. Voila, the Snuggie.

Somewhere in there are also the “Slanket” and the “Blankoat.” (My friend was confused by this one: “Is it a blanket for your goat?”)

The answer: No, it’s not. It’s yards and yards of wool styled into something that resembles a monk’s habit on steroids.

I’m not sure how a Freedom Blanket became a Snuggie. But I’m glad. Maybe the Q will look like it’s been invaded by fleecy Teletubbies on March 5, but at least it won’t be because of Freedom Blankets.

Because I don’t know about you, but the first thing that comes to mind is something that looks like a patriotic Smurf exploded.