Tiger Woods attempted to make peace with his image on Friday, in a production more worthy of a hostage tape, if a college television station held hostages for some strange reason.
He needed to be honest, not necessarily to the American people, but more to himself, and Friday was not that at all. Had I been his speech writer, I would have provided a much more realistic, soul-cleansing appearance that showcased the real Tiger Woods.
"Good morning. I am here this morning to apologize. I apologize that I got caught.
"With Elin's family in town around Thanksgiving, and with the smells of apple and cherry pies baking, I lost my mind. I got sloppy and made mistakes I would never make on the golf course.
"On the voice mail that made the rounds, I meant to say that I was Sergio, but got screwed up when I was dishing up a bowl of Frosted Flakes.
"Rumors have went around about Thanksgiving night, false, hurtful rumors that put Elin in a bad light. Although she was angry when she found out I was cheating, she did not hit me. My mom did. (Quietly) Go with me mom.
"I deserved it too, because I had ruined Thanksgiving with my thoughts of stuffing and open wide baked potatoes.
"My mom was furious and took out the Escalade windows and made me crash into the tree, because I was so stunned by her actions. My mom is a beautiful caring woman, and gave me the butt whooping I deserved, looking back at the events of the night.
"Ever since that night, I've just wanted to get away and deal with a simple fact, I, Tiger Woods, am a sex addict.
"I thought I could handle marriage, and found a gorgeous, loving bride in Elin. We fostered two fantastic children, who I love with all of my heart. Yet my time on the tour taught me something incredibly valuable about me and marriage.
"I love playing Augusta, but I also love Pebble Beach, and Bethpage, Medinah, and St. Andrews, and many more courses. If I had to play only one course for the rest of my life, I couldn't.
"That is what I learned about marriage. I took in Michael Jordan as my mentor, and quickly realized this was going to ruin me eventually.
"My life turned into a fantasy land, where the stress of the tournaments would be relieved by some of the craziest, nastiest things you could even imagine. Some I still can't believe I did. Jordan was like Brad Pitt in Fight Club, except he was real and I couldn't shoot him in the head at the end.
"Although with what has happened the last few months, that option doesn't look so bad. Elin was at home, raising the kids, and being a wonderful mother, while my sex addiction was growing because I could get whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.
"I missed the cut at the Byron Nelson in 2005 on purpose so I could spend 2 full days at the Lodge. My limping the last round of the 2008 US Open had nothing to do with my knee or ACL. My ACL was torn during a night with a dominatrix in LA.
"The addiction grew deeper, to where I would walk down the course and point at women I wanted to meet at my place later, like Motley Crue did during their 1984 tour. When golf is your life for so long, eventually something else comes along and becomes more exciting. For me, that was sex. I think most of us can agree on that.
"I went to a rehab clinic for my sex addiction, and quickly realized that it wasn't helpful. Most of the women there were not hot, and frankly I enjoy my addiction. It's mainly an addiction because I'm married.
"My biggest mistakes were thinking that I could be a great husband, which obviously I can't do. I will do everything I can to remain a strong father and take care of my kids any way I can. I'm not going back to rehab, and I have an announcement to make today.
"Elin and I are done. I will do whatever I need to in order to make this smooth and complete, so Elin and I can move on and Sam and Charlie have everything they will ever need. I went down the rabbit hole and I can't come out.
"I will be returning next week to the PGA at the Phoenix Open. I am not ready to play golf just yet, but will be there to rebuild relationships and be an ambassador to the great game of golf. Plus they have the Birds Nest there. I want to leave today with one message. I'm single and I'm back."
He would make plenty of enemies with that speech and probably lose a half billion in the process. Yet, I feel that the truth would set him free and make him at least a little more human.