Tiger's news conference expected to yield tail … er, tales

Matt TarrContributor IFebruary 18, 2010

Sportspoop.com has uncovered the inside scoop on Tiger Woods’ anticipated “press conference” he’s expected to host Friday morning. While engaging in a typical two- … uh, strike that … eight-martini lunch Thursday, Sportspoop’s own Rogue Palin bumped (er, stumbled) into Newt Gingrich, Woods’ newest speech writer.

Teasing, tantalizing Tiger

Teasing, tantalizing Tiger

An equally intoxicated Gingrich spilled the beans concerning Friday’s festivities. Demonized by the media and scorned by his mistresses, Woods reportedly is in dire need to “tap some ass” after his recent Vanity Fair cover produced absolutely zero takers. While it’s rumored across the Interwebz that Woods will be flanked by wife Elin Nordegren at the presser, Sportspoop has learned the four-time Masters champion has instead decided to be surrounded by his closest friends — Kobe Bryant, Alex Rodriguez and Christie Brinkley’s idiot ex-husband.

(Close pal Bill Clinton was not invited because of his “thing for chunky monkeys,” Gingrich stated.)

Speculation concerning Woods’ desire to play in April’s Masters also will be addressed. Woods will now announce he’s decided to forego golf’s Super Bowl and turn his attention solely to “scoring as much snoochie boochie as humanly possible,” according to Gingrich.

Woods is now expected to make a public plea for “poon” while holding the Vanity Fair cover, which puts his erect nipples on parade. Woods also intends to show highlights of him playing his favorite 14 holes from around the world before firing up a smoke and falling asleep to bring the gathering to a conclusion.

Gingrich added Woods could also opt for “Plan B” — sniffling, acting contrite, offering apologies, etc. — but he doubts the Stanford alumnus would take that course of action because, “He’s a real horn-dog right now.”