What Tiger Woods Must Say to the Public (Satire)

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What Tiger Woods Must Say to the Public (Satire)
David McNew/Getty Images

Pitch a tent, bring in the dancing bears, whip up some funnel cake, and get ready for the circus known as “The Fakest Show on Earth,” starring the world-famous clown: Tiger Woods.

When Woods stands in front of the microphone at 11 a.m. Friday, he might as well go for it all.

Seriously, el Tigre, why not roll with this? Have some fun out there. We’ve all been waiting to see your mug since you plowed your Cadillac SUV into a fire hydrant. 

Too bad we’ve only seen some horrific picture of you in some hoodie outside of a sex clinic. And was that a goatee I saw?

I thought only baseball players could rock goatees. Oh well, I guess that just adds to the clown status.

And didn’t most of you feel dirty looking at him walking out of a sex clinic?

Sorry. Back to the circus.

Everyone wants to know what Tiger should say. This is where a publicist will step in and script him the perfect words.

I say that's a huge mistake.

Tiger should hire me as his publicist and just totally rock out this “press conference” to the nth-degree. Let’s really mess with the public and Ellen, Edin, Elin…whatever.

Now I’m no master of words, but I think I have the perfect script for my boy.

All Tiger has to do is read what’s in the quotes and follow the directions that aren't. So here it is:

“First, I’d like to thank my fans, friends, and—most importantly—my family for standing by my side. I’d also like to thank the baby Jesus for giving me such a wonderful opportunity to exploit women. Without Him, none of this is possible. And last, but certainly not the least, I’d like to thank myself for capitalizing on it.

“Remember the 2005 Masters, when Verne Lundquist screamed, 'In your life, have you seen anything like that?' Well, I couldn’t help but think of that quote when I got a girl from the local pancake house. But really, though. Have you ever seen anything like me in your life?

"Maybe you got a girl from a club, the local dive bar, or a house party. Not me. I one-upped all ya’ll. We’re talkin' 'bout a pancake house. Not a club. Not a club. Pancake house. Pan-cake-house.

“I just kept saying, 'C’mon, Tiger, who does this?' Yep, only I do. I was something special. I really thought it was miraculous when I chased down 45-year-old Rocco Mediate at the U.S. Open. But you should have seen me track down a pair of porn stars tryin' to make a sexy-time video. I was nimble and agile, as my cat-like name suggests.

“I know you’re wondering why I’m not remorseful. Well, I just keep wondering why you’re so jealous.”

Begin to sing the Notorious B.I. G. Song Ready to Die .

“I got it all, from the Rolexes to the Lexus, and getting paid is all I expected.”

Insert an uncomfortable laugh and then smile awkwardly at the TV cameras. Hold a long stare at the camera until everyone gets really quiet. Wait for a reporter to ask a question and then begin.

“I thought I said no questions. OK, then, moving right along. Where were we? Oh yes, me.

“Let’s see, I really don’t need anyone at this point. Nike?”

Insert prolonged laughter.

“Yeah, Philly Mc was right about me playing with inferior equipment. The Nike stuff stinks. I hate it. They cut me a nice check, so I kept playing it. When you have my talent and you compete against guys like Sergio Garcia, who can’t win a major, or Padraig Harrington, who makes snowmen on par threes, it’s safe to say I could win with a twig and a cotton ball.”

“So, yeah, Nike? I’m done with them. I’m gonna make my own golf clubs, and I really don’t care what it is—but it can’t be as bad as Jack Nicklaus’ old club line: Air Bear. Oh, you don’t remember those?”

Laugh really hard here.

“The guy you compare me against for all-time greatness actually had a club line called Air Bear. No, really. Go Google it.

“Anyway, I’m gonna play with anything I want. And for any of the golf geeks who want to know my specs, I’ll tell you what. You make 'em whatever you want and I’ll still wax the field. You wanna make ‘em offset, upright, three inches short? Go for it. I don’t care.

"In case you didn’t notice, I’m Tiger Woods. Just put something in my hands and I’ll roll everyone on Tour.

“Naturally, I’ll play whatever golf balls Stevie brings to the course that day. If he finds an old sleeve of Balatas, I’ll outdrive people. And if he rolls up to Augusta with some Rock Flites, I’ll make those balls stick on the greens like they have Velcro on 'em.

“Oh, and Mom, can you please stop making me new head covers every year that say something in Thai—or whatever it is you speak? One, I can’t read it; and two, it really hurts my street cred to have a puppet on my golf bag.

“Look, can we cut this short? I gotta win a couple bucks off Mark O’Meara. Yo, Mark. What’s your handicap these days? Like a 10? I guess you’re getting a shot per hole cause I’m a plus-eight.

"Oh, and did anyone see the hot cart girl driving around out there? I think she’s on 15 now, so she should be rollin' up to the first tee just in time. Don’t think I can get her? Puh-lease. I do some of my best work on the course.”

Exit stage right and go to the first tee.

So there you have it.

Everyone wants to know what to say and how to say it. Well it seems pretty clear that the world’s No. 1 golfer needs to get on bleacherreport.com and look me up—because I have all of the answers.

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