Yesterday, you became cool. Well, actually Monday you made the life decision...we just geared you up yesterday. Now the question is, "Why the Mizzou bandwagon?"
First of all, to have a bandwagon, a team must blow for a long time. Check. There has to be a quick turnaround of success (less than four years after sucking). Check. There also has to be a good chance of that success sustaining itself. Check.
See, the largest of bandwagons—Red Sawx, Patriots, Cubs, Tampa Bay Rays, Celtics, USC, Notre Dame, and Duke—all sucked for a long time before success came. Hell, with the Rays, this is the only time in their history they haven't sucked a fat one.
For bandwagoning purposes, I know it's hard to believe, but Mizzou was actually good for awhile. That 'awhile' was in the '60s, when my parents were in high school smoking joints to
Foghat Simon and Garfunkel.
Actually, our '07 season has been compared to, well...just watch this video. And yeah, that's Harry Caray doing PxP for the Tigers. Gross.
Before that, the 'awhile' was in the 1930s. Don Faurot was the coach then, and that was so long ago that Mother Nature was dating Father Time.
Needless to say, we sucked for a long time.
Times have changed, and Mizzou is becoming dominant. That's why this bandwagon has more people on it than Sleezy's ex.
There have been some ups and downs over the years, and really, a shitload more downs. Since you started to claim that you've been a Mizzou fan for life on Monday, I'll throw a couple of bones your way.
Since we sucked for awhile, I'm going to limit this thing to only games in the post-1990 era that you need to know about in Mizzou's football past.
- Fifth Down (1990). It even has its own Wikipedia page. Plainly, we got screwed, which could be Mizzou's motto. The Colorado Prairie Cows got an extra down, and Mizzou got effed. Pretty simple, but on the fifth down, Colorado scored. Colorado was ranked 12th in the country and was about to lose on the road to Mizzou. Then it happened. Game over.
- Flea Kicker (1997). Another Wikipedia page dedicated to destroying me. I remember watching this while in high school. I was born to hate the Huskers, and I'm sure part of being bred that way has put me in Omaha now. Karma, you skank, you.
Mizzou up on the No. 1 Cornies at home 38-31. Corby Jones was on fire all game. On a fourth down, Scott Frost tosses a lame duck rope (the only one I've ever seen) to Shevin Wiggins, who boots the ball to Matt Davidson. Touchdown Cornies. Remote meets TV in the Big Head house.
Years later, now in Omaha, I got to Frost's bar wearing a Mizzou jersey. Frost comes up, sits down, and buys me a beer. Sucks because the bar kicked ass, and Frost was a nice guy...not the douchebag I was hoping for so I could trash his bar.
Matt Davidson, on the other hand, haunts me like three-week-old Chinese food. He is the color commentator on any radio/TV sports programming all over this damn state. I hate you.
- Texas (2005). Sleezy and I were in attendance for this one. There was some hope that Mizzou would pull off the big upset at home. Texas came in ranked second in the nation, and Brad Smith was having a pretty good senior year.
Vince Young took Mizzou by the balls and dismantled us after playing a close game in the first 20 minutes. Adam Crossett shit the bed and missed an XP, and it was downhill after that. Not in anyone's "Top 10 Losses," but this game had promise.
- Sun Bowl (2006). I hate even thinking about this game. Mizzou, up big on Oregon State in the Whatever-shitty-kinda-cologne-sponsored-it Sun Bowl (Brut?) decided to lay down and die.
After a Chase to Chase TD with six minutes left in the game (and up by 14), the wheels came off quicker than a Cutlass in Compton at midnight. Oregon State scored a couple of touchdowns, and then scored the two-point conversion with 23 seconds left. Booze-filled night of defeat ensues.
All right, enough with the bad. Let's throw in a few good ones.
- Huskers (2005/2007). Mizzou hadn't defeated the Huskers since...well...a long freakin' time going into the 2005 game. Brad Smith carved up the Blackskirts like a Thanksgiving Day Turkey.
In 2007, Big Head and poppa Big Head in attendance and housed, Mizzou smokes the Huskers 41-6. In one of the greatest plays I've seen, only because of the big 'fuck you' to Nebraska, Martin Rucker runs in a fake FG for a touchdown while Mizzou was up 34-6. Put it on the board. 41-6. Callahan being canned talk began.
- Indy Bowl (2005). Mizzou down big, comes back to take the soul of South Carolina. Mizzou looked worse in the first half than my dog did after that F-10 hit it. My dog and the Tigers were both a huge mess, but Pinkel actually cleaned up the Tigers at the half.
Brad Smith comes out en fuego and lights out in this one. Even after ESPN decided to declare this game over, the Tigers came back for the 38-31 win.
- Armaggedon (2007). Long sharing the same outhouse in the Big 12 North, kU and Mizzou played in one of the most hyped games in college football's recent memory. Saturday night. ABC. Arrowhead Stadium in Kansas City.
kU, ranked No. 2 after dismantling cupcakes, gets dominated in a game that looks closer than what it ended up being. Sod Reesing is born. 36-28 Mizzou. And the Tigers were ranked No. 1 in the nation the next day. My Victory Whiskey hangover went away on Wednesday.
- Cotton Bowl (2008). After getting blasted by OU in the Bih 12 Title Game, the BCS decided to screw Mizzou. The Tigers defeated Illannoy, who received the Rose Bowl (promptly blown out), and beat Kansas in the Jayhawks' only game against a non-panzee all season. Both kU and Illinoize went to BCS games.
Instead, Mizzou drew Arkansas, and promptly beat them worse than Lawrence Phillips does his girlfriend. Tony Temple set the CB record for rushing. Yes, even Pat Summerall hadn't seen that many yards in the Cotton Bowl...and he set Adam and Eve up back in the day.
Most of the positive games are in the past four years. That's why you're on this bandwagon: recent success. So now you're geared and you know a few games to not sound like an absolute idiot at Booches. What else is left? You'll find out tomorrow.
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