Why Do Sports Reporters Hate Fans?

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Why Do Sports Reporters Hate Fans?
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If your chosen mission and occupation in life is to talk about people who play a game, how can you criticize people who are fans of the game?

One more sports broadcaster's criticism of a fan wearing an NFL jersey and we can officially label sports reporters as hypocritical turds. (I was going to use boogers instead of turds, but recent Internet analysis indicates turds is the more trending term.)

Tune into typical sports talk radio shows and the vaunted hosts keep complaining about how Sarah Sixpack, sitting in her attic, knows nothing about sports and should be despised for wearing a jersey of her favorite player.

In essence, the reporters say Sarah should get a life.

But what then would happen to the sports reporters who are paid based on the ad revenue of the station Sarah listens to because she loves sports?

What, if the fans went out and "got a life" as so many sports broadcasters plead? Would there be a need for any sports broadcasters?

For too long, glib talkers and writers have deigned to cover sports. Assessing their annual NFL picks is like walking the line in a crack house. Everyone's blowing smoke and promises to do better next year.

Why do sports broadcasters belittle fans who wear team jerseys even if those jerseys generate more revenue for the sport? Which means more revenue for the sports networks? Which means more revenue for the sports reporters?

If opinions were dresses, every sports radio and TV host would be wearing a big, white t-shirt blaring "I hate fans " to the ESPYS. The fact they are attending such a thing as the ESPYS only illustrates their weird and wonderful world: screw you if you root for a team, praise me if I talk about a team you root for and let's phony up an awards show, so I can wear a t-shirt proclaiming how much I hate the people who pay my freight.

Imagine an entire life based on talking about other people who play a game. The shrinkage must be astounding.

Now sports reporters are trying to dictate when fans of college basketball teams should storm the court. Balding, paunchy men sitting in a Bristol, Connecticut studio are trying to bleed the very effervescence out of sports.

Soon there will be a show, nominated for an ESPY, in which every day , sports analysts discuss whether storming a court or staging a parade was appropriate. "Jeesus, that majorette on "The Saints Are Marchin' In" didn't even give a crotch shot." "I don't know about you, Dick, but when that guy ate his popcorn instead of throwing it as he stormed the court was enough for me to say 'Sagarin Rating below 100'."

New Orleans staged a parade in honor of the Saints' NFL championship, but most sports reporters thought it inappropriate because human beings other than sports reporters actually shouted out analysis like "Who Dat." Plus, human beings actually, gag, got within close proximity of each other.

Here is what you, as a fan, must do during Super Bowl week next year. Don a suit and a tie. The shirt may even be a light pink and the tie sort of dorkily colorful. By all means, do not don a jersey of your favorite team or player. Sit for days and days upon end analyzing the two Super Bowl teams.

If your significant other asks if you want some chicken wings, reply no. "I only have six days to assess whether the crown on the field could slow down the sixth-round draft pick replacing the injured veteran gunner on kickoffs. Plus, a chicken wing could stick in my craw because this sort of dorkily colored tie is choking me."

"But, I am only a fan. I once wore a team jersey. I have no life. When is the ESPY broadcast?"

Refuse to renew your season tickets. "I need to get a life. I'm sure the money generated by the ad revenues for the ESPYS will finance all sports in my lifetime. Plus, I was caught on YouTube storming the court and my reputation is shattered."

Sports reporters do not want you to wear team jerseys. Or storm courts. Or analyze sports. Or root for teams. Or commit suicide after betting on their lead pipe locks .

Sports reporters want all fans to die. That way they need only to talk to each other and get a clue on which team to pick because, after all, sports reporters don't actually watch games: They just ask each other.  If home team advantage is taken away because all fans died, sports reporters could probably get to a 15 or even 20 percent winning percentage.

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