"We figured whats the use of going through more than half a year, when we know we've got it in the bag?" Says Derek Jeter, shortstop and professional model. "We phone it in half the time anyway."
Commissioner of baseball Bud Selig, originally thought to have taken issue with a lack of a season, is delighted.
"As all baseball fans know, the team with the highest payroll wins the world series, 100 percent of the time." Said Selig, obviously without any knowledge or sobriety. "Its just science."
Surprisingly very few players around the league were taken aback, as they will be paid in full, and all athletes will be given a most valuable player trophy. Both players glad to have the time off, Joe Mauer was seen in the thick arctic forests of northern Minnesota building a log cabin, and Pedro Martinez buying a dollhouse for his new dwarf friend Pedro Jr.
Some girlfriends and wives were enraged, however, such as Gloria Brenatat, live-in girlfriend of Milwaukee's portly Mike Burns.
"This just stinks, I'd like to enjoy sex, not wrestle with a fleshy bean bag chair!"
Though odd as it sounds, there is a historic precedent for such a move to go forward. According to famed baseball historian Dr. Abraham Brown, 1994 was the first year the automatic champion rule was put to effect.
"Not many are aware of this, but the '94 World Champions were the New York Yankees." Dr. Brown continues. "It came to our attention that the Montreal Expos were doing well, and if they were allowed to win the division, life would have ended on this planet right then and there."
Fans are invited to witness a simulated victory celebration at Yankee Stadium by paid professionals playing the parts of your favorite players. Gardy is throwing a pool party for players only and its supposed to be bitchin'.
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