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2008: The Baseball Season That Will End the World

Barry BealCorrespondent IJuly 1, 2008

The Rays are in first place. Obviously, the world’s coming to an end.

You knew it had to be too good to be true that the New York teams were struggling to stay in contention as we enter July.

As soon as August, none of it will matter. The world is coming to an end.

That’s the fear of some scientists as the world’s largest and most powerful atom smasher makes its debut next month. Not since the strike of 1994 has a baseball season been interrupted, and this season has been just as crazy as that one was.

In 1994, the Montreal Expos were in first place with the second smallest payroll in Major League Baseball. Matt Williams was on pace to shatter the seemingly unbreakable record of 61 homers set by Roger Maris. And Tony Gwynn was hitting .394 at the time of the strike.

While the strike was a tragic event and affected baseball for years to come, something tells me the end of the world could be somewhat more disastrous.

It figures that we won’t get to see the Tampa Bay Rays play in October. It’s the first year they don’t have “Devil” in their name, and el Diablo hatches a plot to ensure they regret the omission.

How’s it going to end? One theory states that the Earth will be swallowed by a black hole created by this machine. It’s not all gloom-and-doom, though. Barry Zito is hoping that’s where he can find his vanishing talent.

Scientists rate the chances of global catastrophe at a mere one in 50 million. Or, about roughly the same chances Texas outfielder Milton Bradley gets through this season hitting over .300 and not be suspended at least once.

Speaking of the Rangers, it is a shame we won’t get the chance to see Josh Hamilton compete for the first Triple Crown since Carl Yastrzemski did it in 1967. That was two years before Apollo 11 and the first man on the moon.

Forty-one years later, that same technology that took us to the moon may suck us into a black hole with the Royals and Pirates.

By the way, remember that old saying that the only three things in life that are certain are death, taxes, and the Cubs will never win the World Series? With the team having one of its best chances in 100 years to win the title, this little atom smasher debacle seems like a cruel trick to play on fans of the Lovable Losers.

There is one more thing you can count on, too. Fans of the Yankees and Red Sox will blame the other for letting the Rays slip into first place and dooming us all.    

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