In the last few years as a secretary for the Indianapolis Colts I've received tons of letters and emails asking, "What does Tom Moore (the offensive coordinator) actually do?" I put off asking him this question because I thought it might offend him, but yesterday I said screw it, I'm going to ask him anyway. It's not like he has anything important to focus on right now anyway. No, really, he doesn't. Here's how the convo went...
Me: Hey coach, please don't take this the wrong way, but over the last few years I've received a lot of letters asking what you do here with the organization. Many people think that because Peyton calls the plays that you don't do anything. How can I respond to these people?
Tom: (While drinking a Margarita with his feet up on the desk) Son, What makes you think Peyton calls the plays? What makes anyone think Peyton calls the plays?
Me: Uggh... the fact that he calls the plays. He audibles almost every down.
Tom: Oh, yea that's true he does call the plays and what's your point?
Me: Well, as the offensive coordinator of a football team you are supposed to call the plays. And Peyton's been with the organization 12 years now, the same amount of time as you, so people feel like Peyton is the teams offensive coordinator and you don't do anything.
Tom: You kiddin' me son?! (As he spills his Margarita by attempting to remove his feet from on top of his desk) Now look what you made me do! Party foul boy!! You not aware of how much I do for Peyton? I bring him coffee, I rub his shoulders and back, I pat his ass ever so gently so he feels soothed after getting hit, I found a helmet that can actually fit over his gargantuan head, I massage his bunions after a hard day of him doing commercials, I...
Me: Coach. That sounds like you're Peyton's personal assistant, not the Colts offensive coordinator.
Tom: You ain't listenin boy! My job is to coordinate this offense. The best way to do that is keep Peyton comfortable. No one else on this team matters, and no one has the play calling ability that guy has. So why should I try to call plays when he does it better? I found the best way to do my job is to give Peyton a little ass grab, tickle his tootsies, and make sure he gets as many commercials as he can so he can feel like he's a comedian. It's a 24 hour job, don't you see the bags under my eyes? I don't ever sleep!
Me: Okay coach. I'm sorry coach. I didn't mean to make you feel offended I'm just the poor old secretary/messenger trying to do my job.
Tom: I'm not offended! See the first few years of my time here I called the plays and Peyton wasn't half as good. Since he started running the offense, well, history speaks for its self. I'm just here to make sure the offense is excelling and I think I've done a damn good job.
Me: I can agree with that, but can't anybody grab Peyton's ass and take care of his commercial campaigns?
Tom: Hell na boy! Look a hea, he's got to feel comfortable and he ain't comfortable unless it's my hand on his butt cheeks. Either mine or his wife, but his wife can't keep up with all his ads. Maybe his mom could, but she's got Eli to take care of. That guy still wears diapers and is breast feeding.
Me: That's not true about Eli coach.
Tom: You callin' me a liar?! Get out my office before I pick up this sawed off shotty from under my desk and plant a pellet in you boy! And get me another Margarita while your at it! And hurry up I gotta get back to work... Peyton just emailed me and said he needs some help wipin his bung hole. I can't be bothered by idiotic people like you during Super Bowl week!
Me: (Put head down. Walk Out. Shut door.) Sigh. Guess I'll go get him that Margarita.
Tom: (Door opens.) Son.
Me: Yes coach.
Tom: This conversation never happened.
Me: Got ya.