MMA Intervention: Has MMA Ruined Your Life? This One's For You
This one is strictly for my hard-cores—all nubes keep walking.
The person in the photo is you, if you don't stop this madness today. It's time to take a cold, hard look at the person you are and how you live your life.
Have you ever ordered a pay-per-view knowing full well that when the bill came you might not be able to afford it?
Have you ever spent more time talking to strangers about B.J. Penn vs. G.S.P than you did talking to your lady in one day?
Will you commit aggravated assault if someone dares speak against your favorite fighter?
Have you ever spoken out loud to the television in belief that Arianny Celeste can actually hear what you're saying?
Have you ever had an argument with Stoker Macintosh, without any hope whatsoever that you might win the battle?
Will you consider for half a second, when the time comes, that you might pay a single cent to watch a WEC event?
Have you ever in your life bragged that Ken Shamrock was the most dangerous man in the world? Be honest now.
When was the last time you blasted some goofball for calling MMA "UFC fighting"? It's happened to us all at some point or another. Did you ever call it UFC fighting? Again be honest. Denial won't help you here.
Do you have a secret pair of G.S.P-style shorts tucked away in your closet that only you know about?
Have you and a dear friend ever become enraged with each other when talking about why a fight will go a certain way?
Have you and a dear friend ever become enraged with each other when talking about how that fight actually went?
Did you speak one word regarding Grease Gate? How about 1000 words?
Have you ever traded leg kicks with a pal, only to come to the realization that they hurt much worse than they look like they do on T.V.?
When he turned around and walked away, did you jump on his back, sink your hooks in, and squeeze the Rear Naked Choke in?
Has Grandma D ever made you sound like a complete ass? Has she ever made you feel like you were on top of the world?
Do you secretly wish you looked like Roger Huerta? If you don't, you probably should—that guy is a lady killer.
Are you able to crack this code? P4P Champ GSP GNP's ESK with some LNP, ending it with a deep RNC resulting in ESK's TO? Bleacher Report writers really have no business in a cage with GSP anyway. ESK should stick to writing.
Has Brian Oswald ever told you that someday you would be an MMA mogul? How is that going for you?
Has Brian Oswald pushed you to be the best writer you can be? How is that going for you?
Have you ever lengthened your lunch break at work so you could keep arguing about who the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world is?
Have you ever broken company internet policy to break news, only to find out Jeremy Botter beat you to it (he does this for a living you know)?
Have you ever broken company internet policy just to see how your B/R article was doing?
Have you ever looked your lady in the eye with a straight face and said, "Honey, I need you to go take a picture of that ring girl for my article?"
Did she do it or slap you in the face? If she did it, she probably should be reading this too. If she slapped you, ask her how she likes taking pics of all the sweaty, well-built fighters while she sits cage-side with you...no just let it go, let it go.
Have you ever stood in the mirror and tried to convince yourself that, if you were a fighter, you could hang with a mixed martial artist, only to realize you get winded putting on your socks and shoes directly thereafter? How many weight classes could you drop down just out of curiosity?
Has Irish Mike ever said the funniest stuff you have ever heard in the comment section of any article you have read?
Have you ever put together a Top Ten MMA list?
Are you a bad-ass trapped in a fat man's or scrawny man's body?
Have you ever stayed up until two a.m. to finish watching an event that your second-rate cable company couldn't secure rights to air live as it was intended to be shown?
Did you buy a pair of the foam, cheesy MMA gloves from Target? If not, check 'em out—they're fun. Get two pairs, you can't shadow box forever.
Have you ever written a Brock Lesnar article?
Are you a card carrying franchisee of the Walmart of journalism that specializes in MMA?
Do you think true MMA fans give a rat's ass whether you prefer your iPod over your Blackberry? (I'm talking to you Mr. High-and-Mighty who looks down your nose at those Walmart franchisees.)
If you answered yes to at least five of the questions above, you my friend, have a problem. In a world that has a self-help or support group for just about anything, MMA addiction is a very serious disease that is being overlooked. Treatment is scarce, if not non-existent.
The UFC, Strikeforce, and other MMA peddlers of the world show no signs of slowing down distribution either. You are a victim. You are not alone. It is time to seek help—again denial has no place in this forum.
It does not effect everyone, but those whose lives it does touch know all too well the consequences of falling in love with a sport that, at minimum, costs fifty bucks a month to support. (That doesn't include internet fees so we can run our mouths about it all week, before or after an event.)
For those of us who have suffered all too long with the disease, you're just going to have to deal with it. MMA is not going anywhere. You addicts out there are just going to have to exercise a little self-control.
Don't even try to quit. A relapse is only one WEC event away, and they're just giving it away, for now. We've heard it all before, haven't we addicts? "Yeah buddy, this one's free. The next one is gonna cost ya." Same old story, same old impulsive behavior will make us pay.
You can try to abstain. You can try your hardest.
If that is not an option for you, well, just keep on denying you have a problem. It's worked so far, so why not stay the course? Who wants to go through a relapse anyway? Just keep running that MMA fix, you shameless junkie you.
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