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A Chicago Bears Fan's Thoughts on the Hiring of Mike Martz (In Poem Form)

DETROIT - AUGUST 11: Offensive Coordinator, Mike Martz of the Detroit Lions, speaks from the sidelines during a pre-season NFL game at Ford Field on August 11, 2006 in Detroit, Michigan.  The Lions won the game, 20-13. (Photo by Tom Pidgeon/Getty Images)
Tom Pidgeon/Getty Images
Max KienzlerAnalyst IFebruary 2, 2010

Oh Mike Martz, what really can I say?

The Bears finally hired you just yesterday.

It may have taken a day or two...

...or three or four or actually quite a few.

This was because you were not the Bears' first pick,

that was for a coach merely older than a chick.

Nor the second or third choice for the position really,

for with your lack of pedigree, that would just have been silly.

 

But here you are now, back at Lovie's side,

to lead a stagnant offense, although more as a guide.

Your career has been quite like those stomach turning rides,

With its ups and downs and high and low tides.

You once commanded the "Greatest Show on Turf,"

but was then later relegated to Chief offensive Smurf.

You never strayed from throwing the ball,

but that slowed the run game to just a mere crawl.

 

The stints with the Lions and Niners were less than impressive,

with your need for control becoming overly obsessive.

Your QBs have put up numbers that surpassed expectations,

but never enough to keep you from some nice permanent vacations.

You once wowed fans with your offensive wizardry,

but now subject them to just a painful misery.

The fields in St. Louis and Detroit now hold the gravestones,

of former players you coached and what is left of their backbones.

 

But fear not, for another unsuspecting QB will await,

whose impending death is now officially a fate.

Cutler and the offense have shown promise and poise,

that you, Martz, will treat worse than someone else's used toys.

I can already see the hype that training camp will bring,

as Jay tosses the ball with a powerful zing.

Hopes will be skyrocketing and beers will be lifted,

and some of us might actually think you are just that gifted.

 

But those thoughts will soon be diminished,

as the Bears' playoff hopes will quickly be finished.

That will soon be followed with depression and weeping,

And cursing about that idiotic, stupid piece of **bleeping**.

I guess the only solace that can be taken from all this,

is that knowing this one year is all just in bliss.

For the end is coming soon for the entire coaching staff,

and the fanbase will hopefully get the last laugh.

Where can I comment?

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