The Five Worst Things To Happen To Craig Bellamy

Manchester City were knocked out of the League Cup last night by their arch rivals, Manchester United. One of the more entertaining moments of the game was given to us by a rogue United fan, who struck Craig Bellamy with a coin. Such actions are obviously not to be encouraged, but take heart in the fact that, if ever a footballer has deserved it,  that player is Bellamy.

However, if being struck on the head by a coin is all that karma can come up with for Bellamy, then it’s more lenient than the British judicial system is with gay Iraqi benefit thieves.  Fortunately, fate has been similarly unkind on a number of occasions in the past. Let’s rejoice in the five worst things to happen to Craig Bellamy.

1 – He Was Born In Wales

Wales, a proud nation, have finished 3rd in a world cup, have reached two further major semi finals, and have a record comparable to England and better than France in European competition. Unfortunately for Bellamy, that’s in Rugby, where the Welsh have a tradition to match even the richest.

Click here to view the embedded video.

In football, however, Wales haven’t achieved anything since they were carried to the quarter-finals of an embryonic World Cup by Juventus’ greatest ever player before losing to the first good team they played in either qualification or the tournament itself  (in qualification, Wales came second in their group of three before beating Israel, a nation less than ten years old, in a playoff). So that achievement is shit too.

Even with players as great as Ryan Giggs and… amongst their number in the intervening years, Wales have never qualified for anything else, other than the 1978 Euros, when they had to beat Luxembourg, Austria and Hungary to get there. So, even from birth, Craig Bellamys chances of actually making anything of himself were pretty much scuppered.

Also unfortunately, he was born in Cardiff, which is a renowned scuthole. You are more likely to have something stolen out of your car in Cardiff than any other city in the UK. Worse, for Bellamy, because Giggs was also born in Cardiff, he can’t even claim to be the best player from his home town currently playing football in Manchester.

2 – He Was Sent On Loan To Celtic

There are a number of great players who have played both for Celtic and in the Premiership. Stiliyan Petrov, Pierre van Hooijdonk, Mark Viduka and Henrik Larsson all spring to mind. But what do all these have in common? That’s right. They played for Celtic before they played in England.

When we turn the tables, the picture is much less glamorous, as Celtic have a habit of picking bits of poo from the sole of the Premier League. Steve Guppy, Jiri Jarosik, Ramon Vega and Regi Blinker all disappeared off up to Scotland having failed to make any sort of positive impact in England. And it is to this latter category that Craig Bellamy belongs.

Bellamy was shipped out to Celtic from Newcastle (more from them later) and, proving that there is a football player locked in battle with the asshole within, played fairly well, including scoring a hat trick against Dundee. This remains his only career hat trick, and, given the circumstances and opposition, it’s debatable whether or not it counts.

3 – He Didn’t Get To Hear John-Arne Riise Sing

In what has to be one of the most bizarre episodes of Bellamys career, he was involved in a hotel spat with a team-mate during his disappointing spell at Liverpool. That particular team-mate, John-Arne Riise, is one of the quieter modern footballers, a shy, softly spoken guy who stays out of the limelight. These types of people aren’t really the ones you expect to be the life and soul of the karaoke bar. However, Bellamy knew differently.

Liverpool were in the Algarve, preparing for a massive champions league tie away to Barcelona, a game they would eventually win 2-1 en-route to their Milan re-match in that years final. Having not played the weekend before, they were a little bit pissed up, presumably enjoying an extended break as much as they possibly could. Craig wanted to take this to the next level, and enjoy a Riise rendition of one of his favourite songs. However, Riise wouldn’t sing.

Bellamy chipped away and chipped away and eventually pissed  Riise right off, to such an extent that they squared up. Seemingly oblivious to his role in affairs, Bellamy had a pop back, and something went off. Then calmed down. Then the players went back to their rooms.

However Bellamy, angry at not hearing Riise warble to a Take That track, decided to win his team-mates respect by sneaking into the Norwegians hotel room and hitting him in the legs with a golf club.

Click here to view the embedded video.

And, despite making his desires clear both verbally and physically,  Bellamy never did hear Riise sing.

4 -He Invested £650k in Sierra Leone

Everyone knows that you don’t invest money in rogue states because the money will be spent by the elite on weapons, big houses, and fast cars. I, for example, have never invested over half a million quid in a war-torn republic. However, Craig, presumably in some sort of ill-advised PR stunt, did just that, and formed the Craig Bellamy Foundation.

The stated aims of the CBF are to provide youth football leagues and development facilities for the children of the nation. Whilst this is admirable in its intentions, is Sierra Leone really the best place for this kind of investment? Sierra Leone has been acknowledged by the US State as the new Nigeria when it comes to scamming people (that e-mail from the prince?). So, benevolent as Bellamy may be trying to be, is he ever going to see anything in return for that half a mil?

Nah.

5 – He Made An Enemy Of An Entire City Of Nutters

If you were going to chose an entire city to have on your side during a fight, chances are it would be Newcastle.

Their men are impervious to cold and alcohol and can reduce a normal human being to a gibbering wreck with just their accent. Their women are hairy monsters who punch harder than a donkey kicks. Their children are whooping, vandalising harbingers of the apocalypse who gleefully vandalise anything that’s not bolted down and electrified, and their football club…

…well, it’s had its fair share of hard cases knock about.

Craig Bellamy comitted a catalogue of offences whilst playing for the Geordies.  Once Uncle Bobby Robson had left he went fucking nuts. I’ll restrict myself to the club based ones, and stay away from the assaulting random people habit he developed whilst there. Firstly, he threw a heavy chair at John Carver, then assistant manager, whilst waiting for a plane to take them to Majorca, because Bellamy had parked in Carvers space and he was annoyed. Well, at least he was accused of aiming it at Carver. In a recent interview he claimed he threw it at Shay Given instead. That must be kind of awkward now.

In January the next year, the stupid, stupid boy decided to call Graham Souness a liar. Why anyone would do this is absolutely beyond me. Souness is absolutely insane.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Soueys crime was to claim that Bellamy said he would fake injury if asked to play out of position. Knowing Bellamy’s character, this isn’t in the least bit surprising, but Souness is no angel, either. The smart move here was to say nothing. Instead, Bellamy upset Newcastle United more. This is the crime for which he was shipped to Celtic.

Of course, bouyed by the distance between him and the club he seemed to hate so much, Bellamys bravado grew. The final, notorious straw was to sent a  series texts to Alan Shearer shortly after a heavy Newcastle defeat. I’ll let Bellamy take over…

"

“Your legs are gone. You’re too old. You’re too slow. You couldn’t even kiss my arse. Fucking goody two shoes”

"

Nice. The single biggest hero Newcastle fans have ever had, and you decide to slate him. Remember, there are over 250′000 Geordies, all of them like football, and all of them would happily wrap your head around a lamp-post.