Everything we’ve heard about the Phoenix Suns has been heavy and full of “doom and gloom”. The Suns can’t hold a lead, losers of seven out of ten, Amare trade rumors, they struggle on TNT, it’s time to fire Steve Kerr (constantly from @ZoDogg34 on Twitter), and it’s time to “start over” and make some moves. Negativity has run rampant over the last week.
While the dark-side of the Suns is great for discussion, it’s bad for the overall mental well-being of the inhabitants of Planet Orange.
With that in mind, it’s time to significantly lighten the mood. If it’s inevitable that the Suns will “blow it up” and start all over, why not have some fun with it? Here’s how to do it.
According to the USA Today’s PopCandy blog —a fantastic source for random pop culture news—Kraft Mac & Cheese will be the title sponsor for the implosion of Texas Stadium this Spring.
The story intrigued me, and I figured, if the former home of the Dallas Cowboys can find a sponsor for its demolition, why can’t the Suns find a sponsor for the “blowing up” of the team?
We all know that ownership is looking for creative ways to avoid the NBA’s luxury tax, but why not a creative way to afford to pay for it?
Like always, the Sports Retorter is here to help. I don’t just come up with an idea and leave the team hanging, I’ve done the leg work and extensive research to come up with the perfect sponsors for the demolition of the Suns roster.
Rock Bottom Bar and Grill
Everyone is saying the Suns have hit Rock Bottom, so why not get some money out of them for the publicity? There are even marketing tie-ins that the team and the restaurant can do. Why not offer fans a dollar off for every point the Suns lose by (might get expensive if things get really ugly)? That way fans are still vested in the team when the inevitable losses associated with rebuilding occur.
Most Suns fans mark the acquisition of Shaq as the beginning of the end for the team. Why not let him sponsor the official end?
It works because he owes the franchise some money back for his anticlimactic two seasons in purple and orange, and Shaq is used to helping dismantle franchises.
They’ve pretty much ended the Suns championship hopes at every turn the last decade, so why not have them pay to put the Suns out of their misery for good? The demolition of the Phoenix Suns , brought to you by the San Antonio Spurs. It just sounds right. Plus, it seems fitting that Robert Horry could hurt the Suns immediate championship chances and get them to throw in the towel.
Payment must be in cash. We will not accept Manu Ginobili or Richard Jefferson as payment.
The Discovery Channel
The network is known for blowing things up, so why not have them help out in Phoenix? The Suns fit their brand because, like the Mythbusters, they tested the myth that an offensive minded, fast paced team can’t win an NBA championship and emphatically confirmed it. Also, they can have Mike Rowe, host of Dirty Jobs , follow Steve Kerr and Robert Sarver as they try to rebuild the team while keeping the fans engaged.
If the process goes to plan and the Suns deal Amare Stoudemire and others, the franchise could be Destroyed in Seconds…which also happens to air on the Discovery Channel.
It’s all about synergy.
Verve Energy Drink
No real reason here. They just seem to sponsor everything in the arena, so why not this?
The US Government
They bailed everyone else out, so why not help the Suns while they “restructure”? No matter how bad things get for the team, they’ll never be bigger embarrassments than AIG and the auto industry.
Who are we kidding, he’s been paying for it all along as the main “sponsor”, so why not just make it official? If Amare Stoudemire is traded for expiring contracts, his name will be all over it anyway.