The Fastest Growing Sport In The World

Badlands will be there, The Black Widow, Cookie Jarvis, as well Bob Shoudt, the former Mr. Humble, now Notorious B.O.B., and Jaws, of course. He's the current world points leader.

It's coming up real soon. The Showboat Casino, Atlantic City. Feb. 16. Might already be booked. Other pros are sure to show up. Erik 'The Red' Denmark, 'Wing Kong' Collins, Anita 'the Pita,' and of course Sonya, 'Crazy Legs' Conti, and the Superman, Takeru Kobayashi. Along with Ed 'Cookie' Jarvis, and 'Hungry' Charles Hardy? Get your camera and autograph book. You'll want to hang, say cheese, certainly chew some fat.

Yes, it's the Fat Tuesday Celebration. The poster reads:
Major League Eating Competition
World-class competitive eaters
will battle in a King Cake eating contest.
You don't want to miss this spectacle, 4:15pm in the Courtyard.

Don't ask, but I've been known to put away some mean double cheese/peperoni's. Deep dish too. And who doesn't like CAKE? I'm just saying. Sounds like too much of an adventure to pass up. $20 bucks to enter. I can do that.

Why not? Starve myself the day before, famish myself. What fork and spoon? Come on. I've seen them on TV. It's bare knuckles affair. I'll practice tonight at Andes Spaghetti House over by the K-Mart. Probably won't let me eat with my hands. But, hell, you want to win, you gotta do what you gotta do. Even after I practice, the Big Question will still be: Can I compete with true 'Gurgitators?'

A good athlete goes over game films, so me too, I checked out the competition, these Pros. UGG! And, oh boy! I felt nauseous. Here's what I'm up against.

Domnic Cardo ate 3 pounds, three ounces of pickled beef tongue, whole, in 12 minutes.

Chicken Nuggets? How about 80 in five minutes. Sonya 'The Black Widow' Thomas.

Cow brains? Records held be Takeru Kobayashi 57 ( 17.7 lbs) in 15 minutes. (Didn't say if the brains were cooked, or not? Might help, I'm guessing.)

Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut downed 68 hard boiled eggs (medium chicken eggs) in 10 minutes. Record stills stands.

Forty-nine Glazed Doughnuts in eight minutes, Eric “Badlands” Booker. Of course, this isn’t Badlands’ only talent. He's held records for eating matzo balls, cannoli burritos, candy bars, corned beef hash, onions, peas, pumpkin pie, and Hamentaschen, (Kosher? didn't say.)

6 pounds of Spam in 12 minutes. That's 8 cans. 12 minutes!

Okay everybody, stand back. Oleg Zhornitskiy, ready, ate Four-32oz bowls of mayonnaise in eight minutes. Quick calculation: That’s 714.1 grams of fat! YIKES! Hold on. I'll be right back...


...I'm back. So, I'll admit there's some rough competition.
Oh, yeah. Peanut Butter & Banana Sandwiches, 36 at the Isle Casino Hotel, Biloxi, in 10 minutes, Jan 9, 2010 Bob Shoudt. (Did I hear somebody say, constipation?)

It's Arnie "Chowhound" Chapman, who claims professional eating the fastest growing sport, might also be there.

Rules are pretty basic. How much pound wise can you scarf down, usually in 10 minutes.
Bell rings it's over, you've got one minute to swallow what's left in you mouth, no “chipmunking.'
You eat what is in front of you, whether it's Crayfish, Grits or Blue Berry pie (hand free).
You can't hurl on the plate or the table. If you can't hold it, you're done. But when time is up you're free, upchuck where ever. Usually off camera. Remember everybody wants that picture, (Front page stuff, YouTube, Online College Thesis). So be cool, and hide first. Be my advise.

Feed-Bag-Itis. America's number 2 pastime, began in 1916, the year that Nathan's Famous held its first Fourth of July hot dog-eating contest. Four immigrants wondered who was the most patriotic. James Mullen, An Irish immigrant, won by inhaled 13 hot dogs in 12 minutes (just over one a minute). How else should we decide patriotism? Eating hot dogs on Fourth of July? You tell me.

Eating contests weren't limited to hot dogs. In 1919, New York Yankees outfielder Ping Bodie competed in a pasta-eating contest against an ostrich in Jacksonville, Florida. Seems the ostrich got sick and passed out after its 11th bowl, so Bodie won by default. Spaghetti or Cannoli? Ostrich would have an advantage, long neck and all, with spaghetti. Just saying.

And in 1963, Eddie "Bozo" Miller ate 27 chickens at a Trader Vic's restaurant in San Francisco to win the Guinness Book of Records title of "world's greatest trencherman." Things have changed since then.

Today it's big time. No more homey County Fair face-in-the-pie, pie-eating contests, everyone all a dither. Two brothers, George and Richard Shea, took over Nathan's Hot Dog publicity, founded the International Federation of Competitive Eating , and started 'Major League Eating.' (MLE). Serious gobbling is legit.

Fat Tuesday at the Showboat is only a quick stop on the road to The Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July 4th International Hot Dog-Eating Contest, 12 Noon, corner of Surf and Stillwell Avenues in Coney Island, Brooklyn. There is a weigh-in with the Mayor of New York City prior to the contests. The finalists will arrive in the “Bus of Champions,” all fighting (gulping) for possession of the championship Mustard-Yellow Belt. It's like a Super Bowl ring. Sort of. The top events are broadcast live on ESPN; Nintendo (Why am I surprised?) might release a competitive eating video game for the Wii. They'll be sleeping in line in front of the Target to get one.

And who needs a college degree? After Crazy Legs Conti, a New York window washer, nude model and sperm donor won the oyster eating contest in New Orleans, (he ate 459 oysters once in the course of the David Letterman show), they made a documentary about him, "Zen and the Art of Competitive Eating."

Not only game films, I did some intense research. Gurgitator's have tricks. I found out it's much more than just stuffing your face. So, I took notes.

Water dunk. A must. It lubricates the buns. Slides better down the esophagus.
Rip into small pieces. You can cram more in your mouths, cuts way down on chewing time.
Work on Kobayashi's "Solomon Technique" (aka "Japanesing"). He breaks the hot dog in half (get it, Solomon?) and then stuffs both halves into the mouth at once. Genius.
Eat hot dogs and buns separately, and dunk them buns.

Okay, I know. Is this a Sport? Sports is usually defined as an organized, competitive and skillful physical activity requiring commitment and fair play. We could argue this all afternoon, over four dozen doughnut holes, and a keg of Coors, but lets' just say this; It's televised on ESPN, with instant replay, so, by definition, it's a sport. What's to discuss?

I know you want to be there, but if you can't celebrate Fat Tuesday, then I'll see you March 20, at the Rhythm City Catfish Eating Championships, Rhythm City Casino, Davenport Iowa. Ten minute contests, the finals will crown the world record holder for fried cat fish!

That's my take. Super size me! Bon appetit!
CorneliusButterfield.com