Kurt Warner may soon have a lot of free time on his hands, and as the saying goes “an idle mind is the Devil’s workshop” (although after watching and reading about Kurt Warner for the last 10 years, I’m not sure even an idle mind is capable of changing his way of life).
In what I can only assume was an attempt to find options for his life after football—or a way to make his younger kids recognize some of his work—Warner guest starred on an episode of the Disney Channel’s The Suite Life On Deck .
If acting is a possible second career for Warner, someone should give him an honest assessment of his performance.
Luckily, your humble Sports Retorter is just the man to do it (see mom and dad, I told you a degree in media and film would eventually pay off. $60,000 well spent!).
After watching the clip of Warner’s performance, I decided to break it down (which is the most analysis I’ve done of any Warner performance all year).
Was Kurt Warner believable in his role? For the most part yes.
While the role didn’t require much of a departure from his everyday life, Warner wasn’t too cheesy while playing himself. As a matter of fact, he was the most believable actor on the entire show.
I mean really, kids going to high school on a boat?
The Miller High Life guy as a high school football coach and former Arena Football player (I looked it up, he wasn’t)?
A 20-something actress playing a high school millionaire heiress who buys the Arizona Cardinals and renames them the Arizona Sparklies?
Yeah, Kurt Warner playing himself was the most believable and convincing acting job on the entire show.
The only thing that wasn’t believable was the fact that Kurt threw and completed a pass with his bare hands on the show. Everyone knows he fumbles the ball sans gloves.
When he delivered his lines, he wasn’t quite as convincing as he is in a post game press conference, but he sounded more intelligent than 85 percent of the quarterbacks in the NFL.
Which is saying a lot when he’s pretending to play football with teen-agers on the deck of a cruise ship.
Unlike some athletes who obviously are reading off of cue cards—see Charles Barkley hosting Saturday Night Live earlier this month—Warner seemed to be smooth in his delivery, and I’m not just talking about the pass he threw.
I truly believed that he was Kurt Warner , on a boat, and was knowledgeable about being a professional football player. Again, a claim 85 percent of NFL quarterbacks can’t even make in real life.
Plus his play call, Red 13, was a nice little touch (or really cheesy writing…yeah cheesy writing).
Another impressive thing is Warner didn’t use a stunt double. After years of working behind the Giants and Cardinals offensive line, he’s grown accustomed to taking hits.
The only thing not believable is when he delivered the line about being an NFL MVP. We all know Warner isn’t a “self promoter,” so the line just didn’t sound real coming out of his mouth.
Overall, I’d give Kurt’s performance a solid B (if he’d sold the pink sparkly uniform a little better it would have been a solid B+. I just didn’t buy into it).
Like football, his acting career will have to start from humble beginnings. The Suite Life On Deck is a far cry from the big time, but not as far as bagging groceries was from the NFL.
At least it was an improvement from his first foray into acting. He had all of two lines in his Campbell’s Chunky Soup ad.
Plus if Howie Long and his flat top could star in major motion pictures, I’m sure Warner will be all right.
If his appearance didn’t mark the beginning of a new career, it certainly marked the end of his old one. I can’t imagine he’d be able to live it down in the locker room.
His Sparklies…I mean Cardinal teammates would have a season's worth of material.