A Field Guide To Identifying and Dispatching the UK Hater

This is a guide for UK fans to use while exploring the wild kingdom of the fan blogs and pseudo sportswriters out there on the interweb; to assist in identifying the different types of UK haters found there, and classifying them appropriately.  Please note that one should always approach a UK hater with caution; they are not dangerous, per se, but the constant flinging of their asinine opinions often means that you end up with something nasty on you that requires dry cleaning later.

The Crimson-Throated Hoosierdaddy:  This unpleasant critter is one of the most vocal of the species, and rarely migrates farther south than Louisville.  It hates everything about UK and always has.  This was of some concern a decade ago or so, but the Hoosierdaddy has been suffering lately from lack of relevance.  It is unique in that it has no sense of irony, and will harp about UK cheating in the past while currently under probation.

The Remember Wren:  This furry little cheeseball pines for the wilds of Minnesota, where it's beloved, the Tubbybird, migrated three years ago.  Fairly prevalent in the preseason, the Remember Wren, noted for it's call of "You'll be sorrrrrrry," has gone into hibernation recently in the face of a 19-0 season.

The Down-Conference Nuthatch:  Usually found in the Carolinas, and noted for it's baby blue plumage, the Nuthatch will downplay the significance of UK's win superiority by calling the SEC a weak conference.  The best way to pick off this little bugger is to point out it's Helms championship, and say "Really?" with a look of scorn. 

The Stat-Spouting Booby:  Oftentimes this bird will camouflage itself to appear rational, and will distract it's enemies with brightly colored statistics that it cherrypicks to hide the fact that, like the emperor of legend, it is completely naked.  It's incessant cries of "RPI! RPI!" and "KENPOM!" make this species a breeze to identify. 

To eradicate this pest, simply point out that UK beat Georgia, who beat Tennessee, who beat number one ranked Kansas, then note UK beat UConn, which defeated number one ranked Texas, then give as an example the UK-Arkansas game, where UK trounced a Razorback team that gave Texas all it could handle just a couple of weeks prior.  While it's head is spinning, shout "Wins and losses, baybee!!  The only stat that matters!!!"  Their brains should then explode.

The Race Cardinal:  This breed will respond to any statement about UK's superiority by screeching "Rupp's a racist!"  It is easily identified by one of two factors:  1.  It has no institutional memory and cannot recall the trials and tribulations of the African-American experience in the deep south in the 50's and 60's;  2. It's northeastern/northcentral breeding grounds and the fact that it's only appearance south of the Mason-Dixon line is a semi annual trip to Disney World. 

Take this birdbrain down by pointing out that, in the SEC, only Vanderbilt had African-American players on their team before UK,  and you can also show them the photo (above) that shows Rupp's 1927 Freeport Illinois high school team with African-American William Moseley in the center of the back row.  Or you might mention that Rupp coached the 1948 Olympic team, which included several African-Americans.  

The Cheata Repeata:  This pathetic little dodo can be identified by it's shameful repeating of lies that have been disproven time and again.  How Calipari was responsible for Marcus Camby taking money from an agent; that UMass was placed on probation; that Calipari has been found guilty of multiple offenses by the NCAA, and is thus "dirty";  this twit always concludes it's song with something along the lines of "Can't wait til those wins get vacated!" 

No amount of common sense or intelligence thrown it's way will ever cause this featherbrained id-jit to come around.  So don't bother.  It will eventually be eaten up from the inside out watching UK wins pile up, and will flail in his death-throes when Coach Calipari wins his third National Coach of the Year Award this spring.

The Faux-fan:  This little yellow bird will frequently preface it's song by squeaking "Don't get me wrong, I love UK...BUT!"  followed by some variation of the previously ascribed calls.  This chirper will attempt to sucker you in by making what appear to be valid points, but will always expose itself by sticking in something like "...but I knew we weren't going to be investigated while Tubby was coach", or "...it's just too bad the SEC is always so down."  The best defense is to examine your prey as if trying to ascertain specifically what kind of rock it just crawled from under, then state, "Well, looks like there are no standards to join this discussion, after all."

With this handy guide at your side, you should have no problem navigating the minefields of Cat haters out there.  Good hunting.