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Vincent Jackson's Arrest: Speculative Re-Creation (Humor)

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Vincent Jackson's Arrest: Speculative Re-Creation (Humor)
Donald Miralle/Getty Images

*PHILIP RIVERS' CELL PHONE RINGS*

PHILIP RIVERS: Hello?

VINCENT JACKSON: Hey, Philip?

RIVERS: Hey VJ! How the heck are ya?

JACKSON: Uhh...not so good, man.

RIVERS: How come? What happened?

BILLY VOLEK: Dude, put this sh*t on speaker phone RIGHT NOW.

JACKSON: Well, let's just say I'm sitting on a curb with a cop holding the
cell phone up to my ear.

RIVERS: Aww, shoot.

VOLEK: Oh, sh*t.

JACKSON: Yeah man, something about driving with a suspended license and
expired tags.

RIVERS: Golly gee whiz, they pulled you over for that?

JACKSON: Well, not exactly.

RIVERS: What was it then?

JACKSON: I guess this officer's not a big Ghostface Killa fan. Pulled my ass
over for loud music.

RIVERS: So let me see if I've got this straight. Your license is suspended,
your tags are expired, it's a game day, and you thought it was a good idea
to drive yourself to the stadium AND test out your new trunk woofers?

JACKSON: Don't judge me, man! At least I don't listen to that Lynyrd Skynyrd
sh*t!

VOLEK: He's got a point there, Phil.

RIVERS: Okay, so what is it you need from me?

JACKSON: Cops are gonna tow the car. The officer said if I could call
somebody for a ride he'll let me go, otherwise he has to take me to jail.

RIVERS: Holy shucks! That officer's gonna be the most hated man in San Diego
if you miss the game!

JACKSON: Yeah, tell me about it. When I rolled down the window and he saw
who I was, he started crying like a little girl and screaming "NO! OH PLEASE
GOD NO!"

POLICE OFFICER: Hey asshole, SDPD officers don't cry like little girls. We
cry like men.

RIVERS: So I just gotta come pick you up and it's all good?

JACKSON: Yeah, I knew you had to pick Volek up, so I figured it was on your
way.

VOLEK: I don't care how tall he is, he doesn't get shotgun.

RIVERS: Shoot VJ, you know how many goshdarn carseats I gotta move now?

JACKSON: Sorry, man. Just help a brother out one time, please?

RIVERS: Okay, okay. We'll be down there just as fast as this old '96
Caravan'll carry us, so y'all just sit tight.

JACKSON: Thanks Philip, you're the best. I promise I won't bounce a ball off
my leg for an interception today.

*click*

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