At Chicago Cubs Convention, False Hope Springs Eternal

Every year I wonder to myself what makes Cubs fans go to the annual Cubs convention, currently underway in beautiful downtown Chicago.

I mean, I understand that it's cool to mingle with some of the Cubs players from the past, and maybe even a couple of the current Cubs. But I seriously doubt I could look some of these guys in the eye without spitting in it.

After all, Lou, why are you so damn sweet? And hey, be careful around that Sandberg guy —he just might try and trip you or poison your gin and tonic later tonight.

And Jimbo, why do you generally mismanage this club? I know you've been our most successful GM, but isn't that a lot like being the tallest midget?

And Geo, I know you've lost all this weight, but you're a professional athlete, what made you act so unprofessionally last year?

And Soriano, I don't even know if you're here, but if you are, I'd like to ask you what the heck happened to that 40-40 guy we signed to that monstrous deal? Where have you been hiding that man?

And Big Z, wait, please don't hit me. It's just that you're not living up to your contract, either. Maybe some Zoloft might help calm you down a bit.

Why were you too lazy to do your exercises? No wonder you want to remain a Cub for life. That crap wouldn't play in Boston or New York, to name two of the few places that could afford your contract.

And Crane Kenny, why do you still have a job? And Mr. Ricketts, what do you think about all this? Are you going to hold Jim Hendry accountable if the team doesn't make the playoffs again this year?

Or, like the Tribune, as long as the coffers are full, and fans continue to pour into Wrigley Field, will you be satisfied?

So you see, my presence at the convention would be a bummer for everyone. Call me Cubbie buzzkill. I prefer to remain far away, anyway.

For hope may spring eternal at this time of the year, but I don't feel so hopeful. Nor do I feel proud of a team that hasn't won in so long that they are a national joke.

I met a guy from Australia over the summer and he told me that even there, where they hardly care about baseball, the running joke is how bad the Cubs are.

I don't say this to be mean. Hell, I love the Cubs. It's just that I can't see going to worship at the altar of lovable losers.

At least I can sort of understand Sox fans going to their version of the convention. Their team won a title for them in 2005 and some of those players are still there.

Look, I don't begrudge you if you want to go, have a good time. I'm living proof that once you have Cubbie blue burned into your soul, it is etched in stone forever.

And while the convention isn't my thing, at least Milton Bradley won't be there, so the chemistry should be better, come to think of it.