Giants, Bonds Agree To One Year Contract (Satire)
In an attempt to bolster the club's offense, the San Francisco Giants have reportedly agreed to a one year, $10 million contract with baseball's home run king, who played with the club for fifteen seasons, including his latest in 2007.
General Manager Brian Sabean confirmed the signing Thursday. "I know a lot of people are all like, 'oh, he's past his prime.' But to be honest I don't really pay attention to any of that. I mean, I'm giving the guy $10 million for a reason. He's gotta be good.
"And not to mention, this is going to be great for the franchise," he added. "I mean, we can go back to being a team centered around one guy than just a collection of guys doing their jobs. It should do wonders for our farm system, not to mention developing players in the outfield. Imagine how exciting all the press coverage of their teammate will be to them."
However, not everyone is happy with the move. "To be honest, I think Sabean is a [expletive] moron," noted lifelong Giants fan Mike Hawkinson. "Bring back Bonds? Are you crazy? This team has finally established a strong farm system, has all the young guys actually playing baseball and not being distracted by Barry, and Sabean decides to piss another $10 million down the drain on a player who will only hurt our progress? This guy obviously doesn't give two [cents] for the players, fans, or franchise."
Added Hawkinson, "He should be fired."
Julia Hutchinson Barbin agrees. "I know our offense sucks, but this is just ridiculous. Are we gonna go after Cansenco too?"
Taking after Julia's brilliant idea, Sabean has contacted the former A's and Yankees slugger and invited him to meet him at team headquarters next week. "Signing expensive veterans is definitely the way to go," Sabean remarked later. "Who needs a farm system when you can have guys like Zito and Renteria?"
Giants fans, it looks like we are in for a long season...
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