A History of Dallas: The Story of Jones and His Generals

Steve HartlineCorrespondent IJanuary 13, 2010

IRVING, TX - OCTOBER 14: Owner Jerry Jones of the Dallas Cowboys celebrate on the sidelines during the game against the New England Patriots at Texas Stadium on October 14, 2007 in Irving, Texas. (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)
Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

From the Book of Dallas, the Story of Jerry Jones:

The reign of Jerry Jones in the Kingdom of Dallas has been filled with tales of many triumphs and tragedies, setbacks, and successes. Those days have been filled with periods of bounty and dominance, as well as sorrow and suffering.

What follows is but a brief glimpse of those early days…

Upon ascending the throne, Jones took stock of his declining kingdom and came to one conclusion: He shocked all within his kingdom by casting out Tom Landry, the hero of the people, who had been both an author of the Book of Dallas, and their one and only general.

People, gather to me. I say unto you; Landry must go. Although he truly is a great man, worthy of all the honor and glory we can bestow upon him, his tactics are no longer sound, and his better days are behind him.

There was immediately great confusion and outrage. This decision made Jones many enemies. Some of the people rose up, and factions developed; many of the followers of Landry went with him, as did all of his staff. This period of unrest overly concerned Jones not.

If he was troubled, he did not falter; for he had great visions for the Kingdom of Dallas. Jones swiftly assembled his new advisers, and he went about his kingdom, searching among the four corners for a new general.

Thus began the time of Dark Days.

During these Dark Days, Jones sought the counsel of his wise men, and thus travelled to many places in search of a new hero, and when he came unto the land of Hurricanes, he met with a formidable rising star; for it was there he beheld Jimmy Johnson, who was a man of action.

In that far away land, Johnson had been a great general, and had showed he could lead his men to greatness. Jones was so enamored by this man that he set upon a course to lure him back to his kingdom. In these talks, Johnson was offered many powers, great prestige, and privileges.

Ultimately, Johnson accepted.

And in the darkness of that time they devised a bold plan to restore the Kingdom of Dallas to the pinnacle of the elite; a plan that would recapture the glory days when peoples of all lands revered Dallas.

Make for us a new era of greatness; ” he commanded Johnson, “for my kingdom has suffered much. If you will do this, I will keep my covenant with thee.

Johnson made bold moves and decisive strategic decisions. He sent his greatest gladiator, Walker, to the cold north of Viking country, in exchange for guarantees for future warriors. Of these he selected men he knew were capable of heroic deeds.

Other men were assembled, and thus began the new era in the Kingdom of Dallas.

Together, Jones’ army became battle tested. Johnson and his staff long studied their battle results and tactics as they went forth to combat their enemies.

But in the beginning of these battle seasons, they endured hard days, and lost many battles. They were not immediately rewarded any campaigns.

But in these losses the army became seasoned; they learned from their defeats, and added more warriors and revised their plans.

The hard lessons paid off, for the tide did indeed turn, and this army went on to victorious campaigns and performed great deeds. They restored the Kingdom of Dallas to a time of prosperity, a time of happiness, and joy among the people.

Then Johnson asked of Jones, “How about thine Warriors? ” and in this Jones was pleased, and he said, “this is a good thing.

But the days of trust between Jones and his general Johnson were numbered as Jones felt Johnson would someday betray him; wanting more power, more control. As time went on Jones felt more strongly this was to be, so he cast out Johnson, and he left the Kingdom of Dallas.

Greatly angered, Johnson returned to the land of Hurricanes and there he did command a different army, those of the Dolphins.

So the days of wine and song did continue, as Jones brought in a man named Switzer.

Many years before he had been a great general from the land of Sooners, and he took the plans that Jones and Johnson had made, and continued to win in the battle field. And in this Jones too was pleased. And for a time longer the kingdom still did enjoy in the success of their warriors, achieving ultimate victory in yet another campaign.

Know now that these days were numbered, and in time the victories became fewer and the deeds less worthy of praise. The immediate success Switzer enjoyed was after a time lost. And when studying these deeds Jones was disheartened.

So once again Jones forced his general out of the Kingdom, and at this time the Dark Days again came upon the land. 

At this time Jones did seek counsel, and he did promote worthy generals to lead his warriors into conflict.

But all was for naught.

For it did seem that in these times Jones would inject himself into strategic battle scenarios, and also question the judgment of his duly appointed generals, and this seemed a bad thing; for Jones went through many generals. 

Thus began a 13-year blight upon the land.

Jones summoned Chan Gailey, a man proven and tested in leading the industrious Steelers of the rust belt in battlefield tactics. He commanded and rewrote the plans and conducted the battles with ill luck.

Jones cast him out.

Then Dave Campo was elevated. A master of defensive strategy and tactics; he served Jones for three battle seasons but with no campaigns to show for it.

Again Jones was angered, and he said: “Is there not a general who is worthy of leading my men? I shall seek out all that may be worthy, and find and return home with the best that riches can provide ." 

And with that declaration he awoke the Great Tuna, Parcells.

Let it be known that the Great Tuna was perceived by many historians as the best evaluator of men and creator of tactics in living memory. For it was he who, elevated all, rewarded or punished as deemed appropriate, and loved to hold court with the town criers of the day.

It was the Tuna that had written the journals from which the most combatants’ generals studied. It was the Tuna who had lectured about the steps necessary to win.

But the Tuna was now retired; where he did study his art; to guide, council, and give critique. And in this he enjoyed a new career. Yet upon hearing Jones’ call, the battle lusts of Tuna were roused; he quickly recollected upon his battle and campaign victories, and did decide to meet with Jones.

And when they met, there was much to discuss; for Jones was king of the land that held historic prestige, and Parcells was a great general that did also desire affiliation with all things great. And in their discussions the two of them held communion! They discussed plans and tactics; strategies and manifests.

For when Jones offered questions, Parcells provided answers, and those were to the liking of Jones.

So Jones offered the same status he once offered Johnson: complete control of the legions. And quickly they reached an agreement; Jones soon heralded a new beginning to his kingdom.

I have searched all the lands, and found a wise man that you all know from stories belayed by your fathers and uncles. A man who vigorously agreed to come to our land and guide us! I give you the Great Tuna, new general of our kingdom!

And the people wept in happiness.

And for four years general Parcells toiled, leading Jones’ army into battle. And in this time he did prove to expertly again evaluate men, and created a classic strategy for warfare.

But he achieved no campaigns.

And in the end the famine continued.

So Jones once again cast out his general, and the Tuna departed, moving to the land of Hurricanes and the army of Dolphins.

Now Jones was troubled and his people were destitute.

Is there no hope! ” they wailed.

They had suffered for so long that all seemed lost. Many of the Kingdom’s arch rivals had usurped them, as did uprising territories. And Jones again searched far and wide for a new general. And he went against conventional wisdom and selected the down trodden Wade Phillips.

Thus Phillips entered into this long dark period. He was a soft spoken and any time there was a criticism of the armies by the town criers, he would stand fast and absorb their wrath.

After two battle seasons, the people began to rise up again, and in the streets they shouted, “Jones you have been the ruination of the Kingdom of Dallas, why have you done these terrible things? ” and they felt lost.

And the new general Phillips was greatly criticized by the people.

At him they gnashed their teeth and spit curses. For although he had won many battles, he had no victory campaigns. Yes the people of Kingdom of Dallas were downcast, and full of vile and contempt.

This is not a good thing ,” Jones told his advisers. “I shall build for them a great palace.” Jones said unto them. “And in this palace we will gather to celebrate and rejoice, and witness great and legendary deeds. And we will name the place Death Star. It will instill far in all those who oppose us, and bring exaltation to those who love our Kingdom.

While building the Palace Death Star, Jones reviewed his warriors, and he made changes to his staff, his field leaders, and he went to his general Phillips and said, “I have faith in you and you’re Phillipites. You are winning many battles. But our name has not been restored. No longer in the land is it even spoken, save for the naysayers. You must do more.

And Phillips said unto him, “I thank thee Jones. I shall strive to restore greatness to our land.

Thus is the recent history.

So Phillips has taken to the battle fields, and twice this year in the opening of the Death Star they have defeated a despised opponent.

But the season of battle has ended, and the campaign season begun. And the campaign begins with this same opponent coming into the Death Star to do battle a third time. And in this Jones feels confident.

So Jerry went among his Phillipites and said to them, “Verily I say unto thee: vanquish thine enemy. See that they are driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women.

And among them there arose a calamitous cheer.

And Wade and his Phillipites went forth and smote them.

So begins the current campaign.


    AD Drops 45 in Boston 🔥

    Featured logo

    AD Drops 45 in Boston 🔥

    Zac Wassink
    via Bleacher Report

    How Shaun White Got His Swagger Back

    Featured logo

    How Shaun White Got His Swagger Back

    Brandon Sneed
    via Bleacherreport

    Which Remaining Players Have the Most to Prove?

    Featured logo

    Which Remaining Players Have the Most to Prove?

    Gary Davenport
    via Bleacher Report

    CBB's 'Splash Bros.' Are Actually Brothers

    Featured logo

    CBB's 'Splash Bros.' Are Actually Brothers

    Natalie Weiner
    via Bleacher Report