Expose: Insider Raider Official Confesses to Organization's Craziness

I interviewed Mr. Sphincter yesterday and he gave me the inside scoop. You all may not know of Sphincter—he’s the controller at Raider HQ. All you ordinarily hear from is the brain (AL Davis), the brawn (Amy Trask), and the mouth (John Herrera). These four officials are the board of deciders.

Sphincter revealed that he is responsible for all the craziness that’s been going on. Although there were many of his decisions that caused trouble over the years, some of the outstanding ones were when he forced the trade of Jon Gruden, then forced Kiffin out and promoted Cable. He actually was the one who brought in JaMarcus Russell, Heyward-Bey, etc.

I was amazed at Sphincter’s revelation. I asked, “How did you accomplish this? I thought the brain was making all these decisions and supported by the brawn & the mouth?”

“Oh, no. C’mon, man! They wouldn’t be so crazy, right? He, he, it was me, all along. Here’s how it came out. You see, I just got tired of that winning, winning, winning in those bygone years. Winning the ’83 Super Bowl was the last straw. And then the 'tuck rule' came along in that playoff game to show me the way.”

“I called a board meeting. The brain, the brawn and the mouth asked me, 'What do you want now, Sphincter?’ And I told them, 'From now on, I’m taking over. All important decisions will be initiated or approved/disapproved by me! And the first is, 'We’re going to trade Jon Gruden for a couple of draft choices and a few bucks.'"

“Well, they laughed at me. They told me they make the decisions, they told me I was only an a$$hole and to shut up and go back to keeping the books straight. But I had carefully prepared my plan. I simply told them, 'The sphincter is not passing anything out until you agree to do as I say.'"

“Well, they laughed at me again and adjourned that meeting. But as the next few days rolled along, the three of them noticed that things were not going well, things were getting backed up, there became general distress, Ex-Lax was consumed, Fleet syringes were inserted, even the ol’ red bag hung on the shower rod was resorted to—all to no avail. The sphincter was clenched tight!”

“A week later, they summoned me to another board meeting. They said, `We can’t stand it any more, Sphincter,  we give up, for God’s sake, let ‘er rip!’ After the brain, the brawn & the mouth all signed my agreement, I let ‘er rip!”

“But, I’ll tell you, I did warn them about taking any hasty actions without my approval. I told them, 'Don’t you dare decide anything on my friend Tom Cable until I give the OK.”