Wedding Woes: Finally a Ring Red Sox Fans Can Like on Derek Jeter

Is it me, or did the hot stove just get hotter?

Rumors are swirling like discarded hot dog wrappers in New York City that heartthrob shortstop Derek Jeter is set to tie the knot with actress girlfriend Minka Kelly, ending his lifelong run as the world’s most eligible bachelor.

If the stories have any merit, Red Sox fans should begin rejoicing immediately. With all apologies to John Lackey, this may be the best move for Boston this entire off-season.

In this age of the 24-hour media circus, where your morning bagel preference is everyone’s business, marriage is the kiss of death for high-profile single male athletes.

Kobe Bryant wouldn’t have had to buy a rock the size of the Rockies if he wasn’t married when he stayed at that Colorado hotel.

Alex Rodriguez wouldn’t have had to answer questions about Madonna if he wasn’t married when he and the pop star popped up in tabloid headlines for months.

And Tiger Woods wouldn’t have to hide his affair with the waitress at the local Perkins. He would — after all, who wouldn’t? Perkins? Really? — but he wouldn’t have to.

If the pair does tie the knot, it will signal the beginning of the end for the Yankee dynasty. All it will take is one paparazzi photo of Jeter hugging some adoring fan, and all hell will break loose. Suddenly Jeter’s fling with the Yankee Stadium hot dog vendor will see the light of day, and his tryst with six of the dancers at Scores will become front-page news.

For the first time in his life, the only stat that will matter is his batting average with the ladies, a number that's never had Jeter confused with Mario Mendoza. Doubles and drag bunts will stop making headlines, replaced instead by domestic disputes. His OPS, for all intents and purposes, will be 9-1-1.

And then, like all the rest, he’ll spend weeks of his life running damage control while creating a distraction that will be impossible to ignore, particularly in the media vacuum that is New York City.

For the first time in either of their careers, Alex Rodriguez will cease being envious of Derek Jeter.

Roll the credits. Lower the curtain. That’s the end of Jeter’s pretty-boy image and the start of the Yankee demise. It’s a script that’s already been written and played out a dozen times over.

Professional athletes need to lead the lives of an Entourage character. The only way to combat the frenzy that comes with being seen with dozens of hot women on a weekly basis — a problem we’d all no doubt like to have — is by remaining single, thereby making it OK to carouse as often as one sees fit.

But slap a ring on someone’s finger and the equation changes. Seeing her hubby flanked by eye candy in the flash of a paparazzi camera every weekend isn’t what Minka had in mind with Friday Night Lights.

Jeter may try to mix his new jewelry in with his handfuls of championship rings so nobody notices, but he can’t run and he can’t hide. He’d be better off taking a vow of celibacy than the vows he’ll make when this becomes official.

Red Sox fans no doubt can’t wait until the day Jeter finally says “I do.” Because whatever lavish ceremony he and Kelly have planned should ensure there won’t be any more parades through the streets of New York in November.

The Yankee hero may soon be shielding a wedding ring beneath all his Gold Gloves, but I’m scoring this one an E-6.