The world’s best doctors have been working tirelessly to rejuvenate fallen champion Brock Lesnar, who suffered a debilitating intestinal disorder that left many fans wondering whether or not the muscle-bound superstar would ever return to the Octagon.
Recently, some new information has been leaked from Lesnar's medical team about his mysterious intestinal illness. It appears a small mutant, who calls himself Kuato, has taken up residency inside of the 285-pound athlete’s abdomen.
Kuato has remarked that he needs Lesnar to come to Mars with him so that he can activate some sort of massive Terraforming reactor. This would overthrow a sinister man by the name of Cohaagan, who seems to have some sort of "air monopoly" on the red planet.
Lesnar has reportedly broken several doors in the past few weeks during heated arguments with Kuato about the Martian revolution, and it's not known whether or not Brock will stay in the UFC, or help Kuato.
Several doctors have eagerly proposed amputating Kuato and flushing him down the first available toilet, but according to Randy Couture has said, "I've spoken personally with Brock...'cause we're cool like that now...and he told me that he has grown to love his new found belly buddy, and that he and Kuato are ready to take on the world sometime this spring."
After meeting with Lesnar, Dana White was asked for a comment on the Kuato development, to which he replied, "I got no f-ckin comment...that’s the first time you've ever heard me say that..."
Fedor Emelianenko was asked by a fat, bearded, female Russian translator about his thoughts on Lesnar's strange medical condition, to which Fedor replied by saying, "I’ll armbar both of them..."
Brock Lesnar's opponent was supposed to be Shane Carwin, who when asked about Lesnar's condition responded by saying, "Jeesh...and I thought having a penis tattooed on his chest was bad..."