Everyone is giving their NASCAR predictions for 2010 so I thought I’d try something different. I’ve always believed in the merits of having a five-year plan so the following is a list of my predictions for 2011-2015.
In 2015, Dale Earnhardt Jr. will leave NASCAR and pursue a career as a Country singer. His first single, “Going Backerds in a Race Car Ain’t as Fun as it Sounds,” debuts at No. 1 on the charts.
Jeff Gordon is announced as the replacement for the retiring Regis Philbin in 2015. The new “Jeff and Kelly” show is a ratings failure. Apparently even the general public can’t stand Jeff’s constant whining.
In 2014 Tony Stewart begins a second career by opening a string of restaurants called “Smoke’s Revenge.” His restaurant is an instant success. In 2015 Subway files for bankruptcy.
Mark Martin leaves stock car racing in 2013 and opens a chain of fitness centers across America. He convinces driver Carl Edwards to become the company’s model and spokesperson by telling Carl, “If you’re going to take off your shirt you may as well get paid for it.”
Jimmie Johnson, after winning six Sprint Cup Championships in a row, quits NASCAR to run for President of the United States in 2012. Unfortunately no one can remember who the heck he is and he suffers a crushing defeat.
In a surprise upset, Johnson’s running mate in the election, Chad Knaus gets the write in vote and becomes our next President.
Kyle Busch wins the Sprint Cup Championship in 2012. The celebration is short lived as he proceeds to shock the NASCAR world by destroying the Championship Trophy in Victory Lane. Shortly after, he is banned from NASCAR for life.
Michael Waltrip finally retires from NASCAR in 2011 and becomes a writer. His first book “How to Find Success Without Being Good At Anything,” stays at No. 1 on the best seller list for 36 weeks.
Kenny Wallace uses his tremendous twitter popularity to get an afternoon talk show. It starts out slow but as soon as he learns to take a few deep breaths and let someone else talk too, the ratings skyrocket. Kenny becomes the new Oprah of daytime television.
Brad Keselowski begins his Sprint Cup career with disastrous results. He becomes the first driver to have 25 DNFs in one season. Allegations that Denny Hamlin is paying a bonus to anyone who would take the racer out, cannot be confirmed. Hamlin was unavailable for comment.