One of the weirdest stories I've heard in the past decade or so is the reported romance between Hayden Panettiere and Wladimir Klitschko.
For those of you who don't know Hayden Panettiere, she was the precious ten year girl in 'Remember The Titans'.
She now plays a cheerleader on 'Heroes'.
She is, without a doubt, the All-American type of girl.
She's about twenty years old, blond, about five feet tall, all of ninety pounds. Cute as a button.
Wladimir Klitschko, for those of you don't know, is the reigning heavyweight champion of the world.
He's Ukrainian, thirty three years old, 6'6", 240 lbs, and hairy.
Now, when women wonder why men are so closed off emotionally, it's because we think about this stuff when our daughters are five years old.
It is our worst nightmare when one day, they're sophomores in colleges, they bust in the house and yell excitedly.
"Daddy, meet my new boyfriend Wladimir. He's like thirty three, six foot six, two hundred and forty pounds. Oh, he's also the heavyweight champion of the world. We're going to Cabo San Lucas for the weekend. Bye!"
At that point, I retreat to my den, close the door, turn on the NFL as loud as it will go on my 50" plasma TV, drink a vat of scotch, and try to inebriate the mental imagery running through my head.
That said, I have to wonder if it will be the next trend in Hollywood for wholesome, All- American type of young actresses to begin dating boxers?
It sure as heck couldn't hurt boxing.
Wladimir Klitschko's name has been in the paper more in the past two weeks than in the previous twelve years.
And he's the heavyweight champ!
With that in mind, below are the pairings of wholesome young starlets and the boxers they should begin dating.
Miley Cyrus and Floyd Mayweather Jr.
Talk about a match made in heaven.
Her father is a redneck who sold her childhood out for a bad Disney TV show.
His father is a loudmouth ex-boxer who sold his childhood out for a championship belt.
Do two highly dysfunctional families equal one functional family?
I don't know.
I do know that Miley has a lot more money than Floyd. The way he burns through cash, he's going to need someone that makes a ton of bank.
Also, she's trying to shed her goody-goody image. What better way than to date the self proclaimed 'bad boy' of boxing? And, he would endear himself to millions of teenage girls across the country.
Even her married name is cute - Miley Mayweather.
Hillary Duff and Manny Pacquiao
C'mon, this would be one cute couple. Apart they're adorable, together they're like marshmallows and a bouquet of freshly picked daisy's.
She's one of those girls that talks a million miles a minute andohmygodsherunssententencestogether, and he just kind of smiles.
Plus, he barely understands English, which is perfect for a girl that talks way too much.
The other commonality they have is that they are both pretty bad actors, so maybe they could make a bad movie together?
Also, I haven't heard from Hillary Duff in about four years. Obviously she needs a comeback.
It's start dating Manny or 'accidentally' release a sex tape and I just don't need to see Hillary Duff in a sex tape.
OK, that last line was a lie.
The Olsen Twins and Ricky Hatton
Have you seen these girls lately? I think they've been on a steady diet of paste and diet coke for the past ten years. Together they couldn't make a flyweight. And, I've never seen them apart, so I'm pretty sure they're a package deal.
At any rate, the Olsen Twins are a combined train wreck. What they need is a no nonsense blue-collar English bloke to set them straight.
No more looking gaunt in photographs.
No more late night binges with the likes of Heath Ledger (RIP).
Ricky is just the guy.
He's rough and he puts on like seventy pounds between fights.
They need someone that will, literally, stuff their face with that greasy English food.
I can just hear the conversation.
The Olsen Twins: No, Ricky, we don't want to eat. We ate last Thursday.
Ricky Hatton: Shat tha feck up and eat ya bangers and mash and drink ya pint. Only haf an hour til Manchester City starts playing.
The Girl From Harry Potter and Paul Williams
Paul Williams has that cool goatee that makes him look like Malcolm X or Speech from Arrested Development. No doubt he's one political and deep cat who engages in heavy philosophical discussions.
She's smart and I think is going to an Ivy league school.
Together, he could talk about radical Islamic fundamentalism, the oppression of the black man, and the influence of Miles Davis on modern hip hop.
She could talk about whether Harry Potter is the chosen one and who Voldemart is.
Juan 'Babyface' Diaz and Rosie O'Donnell
OK, I'm going to switch it up and go a little 'cougar' on this one.
Juan Diaz has lost two of his last three fights. Actually, I thought he lost all three. He was once being touted as the next darling of the sport. Now? He's dangling dangerously close to Gerry Cooney territory.
What he needs is a big bull dyke to set him straight.
Not only is she bigger than him, she probably hits a lot harder as well. So, he gets in some great sparring between snuggling up to 'A League of their Own'.
Did you see the smack-down she put on Whitney Houston a few years back at the Grammy's? That girl has attitude, and Diaz could use a little of that right now.
OK, that's it. I could subject you to the 5,678 article of Mayweather-Pacquiao feud or add a little humor to a very dry spell in boxing.
When does Peter Manfredo Jr. fight again? I better start on my analysis a good two weeks prior.
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