CSI: WWE Featuring DX (Humor)

Our story begins with popular WWE Superstar Rey Mysterio engaged in a two-on-one handicap match against the Big Show and Mike Knox.

The deck seems heavily stacked against Mysterio. But after harnessing his inner John Cena, Mysterio begins to overcome the insurmountable odds and begins to gain control in the match.

Apparently all Mysterio needed to gain the upper hand was some steroids, a few painkillers, and some good old-fashioned intestinal fortitude.

After hitting Knox with a Huracanrana and sending him outside the ring, he prepares to hit Big Show with the 619 when suddenly the lights go out.

All the audience hears is a crash followed by the sound of screaming.

When the lights get turned on, we see Mysterio with a light fixture next to him. It appears as if someone or something caused the fixture to fall on Mysterio; he is unconscious but appears to be alright.

However, he has also been UNMASKED !!!

Fans who are unaware in the audience begin to cheer, believing this is the sign of the WWE returning to the Attitude Era.

Those cheers are short-lived as an episode of the Backyardigans is played on the Jumbotron to distract the audience while WWE officials try to straighten out the mess.

The next day, Vince McMahon must deal with the fallout from this mysterious attack on Rey Mysterio. He demands immediate answers, so he turns to the local Crime Scene Investigation (CSI) team to deal with the situation.

The team dispatches its newest member Mike Salvatore to rendezvous with McMahon and investigate the crime scene.

 

Mike: Hello Mr. McMahon, my name is Mike Salvatore with CSI. I’m here to investigate the Mysterio incident from last night.

McMahon: Please call me Vince. Aren’t you a little young to be leading an investigation?

Mike: I have the most knowledge of wrestling at the department and they felt I would be best to handle this investigation.

McMahon: Fair enough. Before you get started, there are two individuals from the WWE roster who will be aiding you with your investigation. Please go down the hall and enter the second door on your left. You will meet your contacts there.

Mike: Interesting. Thanks for the help, Vince.

 

As Mike makes his way down the corridor, he begins to wonder who could be behind this devious act. He also wonders who his WWE contacts are going to be, and why McMahon was so insistent on providing him help.

As he approaches the door, he hears a very familiar sound coming from the other side.

 

Triple H: Is your refrigerator running?

Unknown voice: Yes.

HBK: Well then you better go catch it!!

(Both laugh hysterically as Triple H hangs up the phone)

HBK: We are so controversial!

 

Mike enters the room and slightly startles the two pranksters.

 

Mike: Hello, gentlemen.

Triple H: Who the hell are you?

Mike: My name is Mike Salvatore. I’m here to investigate the Rey Mysterio incident from last night. Mr. McMahon told me you to would help me in my investigation.

HBK: Oh he did, did he?

Mike: Yes, sir.

Triple H: That’s all well and good, but before we help you, we have something to tell you.

Mike: Okay, shoot.

HBK: Knock Knock.

Mike: (slight groan) Who’s there?

HBK: Banana

HHH: Knock Knock.

Mike: (annoyed) Who’s there?

HHH: Banana

HBK: Knock Knock.

Mike: Really!?! Who’s there?

HBK: Orange you glad we didn’t say banana!!!

 

Mike was beginning to realize that he was just going to have to deal with the sophomoric humor of these two 40-year-old men, so he decided to play along with them a bit.

 

Mike: Oh Hunter, I’ve been meaning to ask you something. I know your nickname is the King of Kings now, but back when you were dating Chyna, were you known as the Queen of Queens?

 

Triple H scowls at this remark, but HBK bursts out hysterically.

 

Mike: Did you enjoy being little spoon with Chyna? I also heard she had a p…

HBK: Whoa whoa stop, you can’t say that, we’re rated PG remember?

Mike: What? I was just going to say she has pancreas problems. Just wondering how she was doing.

HHH: All right, funny guy, I got it.

HBK: Ah, where is your sense of humor man?

Mike: Oh I almost forgot Shawn, I have a present for you.

 

Mike presents HBK with a year’s supply of Rogaine.

Triple H howls with laughter.

 

Mike: Also, I saw this outside your dressing room door. I believe this is your AARP card.

HBK: Touché, sir.

HHH: All right, all kidding aside, you’re right Mike, Vince has asked us to help you solve this mystery.

Mike: Great, so let’s get to work!

 

The trio begins running through the list of WWE Superstars and try to determine if anyone on the roster could be behind this heinous crime.

 

Mike: So what can you tell me about Dave Batista? I know he and Mysterio had been feuding lately. There is no actual tension there, correct?

HHH : No, that is strictly a storyline feud; the two are still very close. Rey actually took Dave out for a walk just the other day.

HBK: I mean we both love Dave, but we can both attest he isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. So the chances he would be able to set up and execute this plot are very slim.

 

Just then a large, lumbering shadow is cast over the group, gaining their attention.

 

Batista: Good afternoon, gentlemen.

HHH : (a little nervous) Hey Dave, how’s it going?

Batista: I couldn’t help but overhear you boys mocking my intelligence. I know I don’t appear to be as astute or shrewd as some of the other guys in the locker room, but I want you to know your words are very hurtful.

 

Batista reaches for a nearby box of tissues.

 

HBK : Sorry, Dave, we had no idea.

Batista: Of course not. You all assumed I was some idiotic barbarian devoid of any emotions or intelligence.

HHH : Well Dave, now that we know how much it bothers you, we will put an end to it.

Batista: I appreciate that boys, but if I hear you mock me again, BATISTA SMASH!!!!

 

Batista leaves the room in a fury.

 

Mike: That was weird.

HHH: No kidding. Who’s next?

Mike: Well, since the lights went out when the incident occurred, I ran through a list of Superstars who enter in dim lighting, and I came across the Undertaker.

HBK: ‘Taker? Impossible. Do you want to know the reason he has such a long entrance? It really takes him about 40 minutes to get oiled up for a match and to legitimately reach the ring.

HHH: Plus he’s been walking to the ring with an IV fluid in him lately, so that would slow him down further.

Mike: Interesting, guess we can cross him off the list.

 

The group decides to take a break from the investigation and walk outside to get some fresh air.

 

HBK: This is going to be tough.

Mike: It usually is. Don’t you watch CSI on TV?

HHH: Steph doesn’t let me.

 

Then another familiar face begins to approach the group.

 

Mike: When in the world did Groundskeeper Willie become WWE champ!?

Sheamus: Have ye no common sense, laddy? I be Sheamus the Celtic Warrior and WWE Champion.

Mike: My goodness, I guess they’ll let just about anyone be champ these days.

HBK: How does it feel to be the top dog?

Sheamus: It feels glorious, Shawn!!

Mike: Do you know anything about the Mysterio incident?

Sheamus: Heavens no! I only worry about meself, and staying WWE champion. Hey Hunter, what time do you want to work out today?

HHH: I’ll call you when we wrap this up.

Sheamus: Alrighty, sounds like a plan. Gentlemen, good luck with yer investigation.

Mike: So he really is your workout buddy?

HHH: It’s very misleading, I really just spot him when he benches and squats.

Mike & HBK: Right….

 

As our heroes finished up their break, HBK suddenly has an epiphany.

 

HBK: You know I was just thinking, in all of these crime shows, it’s always the person everyone least suspects.

Mike: Your point?

HBK: Well what about Cena? No one would ever think the Boy Scout could be a suspect.

HHH: The man has a point. I say we check it out.

Mike: I’m game.

HHH: It’s time to pl…

Mike: Please don’t do that.

 

HHH finds out that Cena is in his dressing room signing some autographs for the Make a Wish Foundation.

 

Cena (to the group of kids): Now remember guys, be nice to your parents and do your chores around the house. I’ll see you all after the show tonight.

Kids: Thanks, John!!

Mike: Hi, John, are you busy?

Cena: Hey guys, no not at all take a seat.

HHH: So you heard about what happened to Rey at the Smackdown taping?

Cena: Yes, that was terrible news. I hear he’s doing better though.

HBK: Where were you yesterday around 4 P.M.?

Cena: I was cutting the ribbon at the newest Boys & Girls club in my hometown.

Mike: I did read that this morning. Do you know anyone who Rey was enemies with backstage?

Cena: Not of the top of my head. Hang on! My Cena sense is tingling! There is a bus full of nuns teetering on the edge of a cliff. I have to go !

Mike: Call it a hunch, but I don’t think he had anything to do with what happened to Mysterio.

 

The initial run down of the WWE roster provided no solid leads. But with many more Superstars to be questioned, it is only a matter of time before Mike, HHH, and HBK find the culprit.

 

Stay tuned for the next installment of CSI : WWE !!