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The Sports Retorter: Sketch Suggestions for Charles Barkley on SNL

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The Sports Retorter: Sketch Suggestions for Charles Barkley on SNL
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(Originally published on Phoenix.fanster.com )

I’ve never hid my affection, or is it an affliction, for Charles Barkley . I’ve been a huge Barkley fan since I was a kid growing up in Phoenix, I’ve even patterned my current look after him (think “Round Mound of Sit Down”). When I found out that he’d be hosting the Jan. 9 episode of Saturday Night Live, I couldn’t help but be excited.

For me, the first time Charles Barkley  hosted the show was “must see tv”. It was the start of the Show’s 19th season, Sept. 25, 1993, and Barkley had just come off a trip to the Finals with the Phoenix Suns. I was ten, owner of numerous Barkley jerseys, and had already deemed 34 my “lucky” number. I didn’t yet know the difference between John and Jim Belushi, and hadn’t seen the clock strike midnight since I was still in diapers but it didn’t matter. I wasn’t going to miss it.

I not only stayed up to watch every last sketch—without my parents knowledge—but also used the VCR to record the show (which is impressive because as a 10-year-old, I could program that but at 26 I still struggle with a my DVR).

Barkley played basketball against Barney, promoted his own Big and Tall store, learned about his softer side with Stuart Smalley, and Muggsy Bogues and played donkey basketball. Those sketches became iconic in my mind, right up there with Wayne’s World, Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood and Alec Baldwin’s “Schweddy Holiday Balls”.

In order to ensure that Barkley’s latest appearance lives up to my lofty expectations, I’ve decided to provide Lorne Michaels, Charles Barkley ,  and the Saturday Night Live staff a few sketch suggestions.

 

  • Revised Nike “I’m not a role model” Commercial

  • One of the most memorable things in Barkley’s career is his “I’m not a role model” Nike Commercial  from 1993. Barkley came up with the idea for the commercial and also wrote the script. Here we are seventeen years later, why not let Barkley do an updated version that sounds something like this:

    Scene Starts with Barkley sitting at the Inside the NBA desk. Looking up he says:

    “I am not a role model”

    Fast cut to Barkley on the sidelines of an NBA game doing color commentary. Looking at the camera he says:

    “I’m not paid to be a role model”

    Fast cut to Barkley out at the clubs dancing and drinking. While dancing he says:

    “I’m paid to make crazy commentary on the NBA and wreak havoc on the dance floor and in my liver”

    Fast cut to Barkley at a blackjack table at the Wynn Casino in Vegas. While going “all in” he says to the camera:

    “I told you, parents should be”

    Fast cut to Barkley taking a mug shot. As camera flashes he says:

    “Just because I used to dunk a basketball, talk about sports, have a gambling problem and can get any woman I want, doesn’t mean I should raise your kids. I probably shouldn’t raise my own”

    Cut to Title Card: Nike, Just Do It like Sir Charles, MJ and Tiger.

     

  • Barkley, Daly, and Bonds Athlete PR and Image Management

  • With all of the recent issues for Tiger Woods, Charles decides to lend a hand to his buddy and other athletes with his new PR and Image Management firm.

    Scene Starts with Charles Barkley  sitting at a desk in front of bookshelves.

    “Are you a professional athlete? Are you cheating on your wife? Have you found yourself in a turrible situation that is damaging your reputation and status with advertisers?

    (With images of Tiger Woods and his mistresses, Kobe and his wife and Josh Hamilton at the bars showing, Barkley says,)

    Your life can change in an instant. When it does you need an experienced public relations and image management team on your side. If your reputation has been injured in an accident such as a rear ending, front end collision, hit it and run or other personal judgement type accidents, you are entitled to compensation and a fresh start.

    Hi, I’m former NBA Star Charles Barkley  and I’m no stranger to these types of situations. With you in mind, I’ve compiled such experts in the subject as John Daly and Barry Bonds, to form Barkley, Daly, and Bonds Athlete Image Management.

    Using an illegal substance? We’ve got you covered. (Show A-Rod)

    Can’t keep your clubs covered and in your own bag? We’ve got you covered. (Show Tiger)

    Have a gambling problem or issues at the bars? No problem, we can do that too.

    At Barkley, Daly, and Bonds, we can help you embrace your new found shame and make millions off of it.

    (Cut to an actor playing Ron Artest)

    At one point I was untouchable. Now, thanks to Barkley, Daly, and Bonds, I can admit to drinking at halftime and everyone just laughs it off. Thanks guys!

    (Cut back to Barkley)

    Get the justice and reputation you deserve. Call Barkley, Daly, and Bonds at 1-800-NoRoleModel or visit us at WeAreBadAndYouLikeIt.com.

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