Notre Dame: Where Fat Coaches Go To Get Paid

Mitch MansfieldContributor IJanuary 3, 2010

SOUTH BEND, IN - DECEMBER 11: Brian Kelly talks on his phone shortly after being named new football head coach at Notre Dame University on December 11, 2009 in South Bend, Indiana.  Kelly most recently led the University of Cincinnati to two consecutive Bowl Championship Series appearances including a perfect 12-0 record this past season. (Photo by Frank Polich/Getty Images)
Frank Polich/Getty Images

I carefully control almost every aspect of my life. I control my mood with Oxycotin and Xanax, I control fatherhood with double walled condoms and carefully timed stomach punches, and I control when last night’s skank needs to gather her anal beads and self-esteem, and start her walk of shame back home. I am the puppet master pulling the strings.

But as sports fans there is one area of life that none of us control—the decisions of our teams’ athletic directors and general managers. I wrote just 10 days ago that Notre Dame realized its transgressions in hiring a fat sloth of a human being as its head coach after riding itself of Charlie Weiss and throwing his whale carcass overboard. I was wrong. I assumed Notre Dame would act like any grown-ass man after a night of less than proud indiscretions—nurse its Saturday night remorse, lay in bed filled with embarrassment and self-loathing, then emerge wiser from the experience and learn to leave the fatties to short guys.

But no, Notre Dame did not shed the fat and look for an energetic, healthy coach to lead them out of irrelevance and back to the national spotlight. Instead, it took 1 week and 1 interview before Notre Dame jumped back on the elephant and named its new head coach—the fat Brian Kelly.

Now Kelly may currently be 50 pounds lighter than Weiss, but I guarantee he eats his way into Charlie Weiss 2.0 after the stress of Notre Dame’s program hits him. I have a problem with this pick for a number of reasons. First, Notre Dame proved with this hasty hire that it is your uber-horny friend that will take down any fat chick with a cute face.  This buddy doesn’t understand that her face may be decent when viewed in isolation, but when you pull back the curtain you see the beast for what she really is. Notre Dame focused on Kelly’s “cute face”—his 12-0 record and #5 ranking at Cincinnati—and didn’t pull back to realize that just like Weiss, Kelly is a man who eats his way through stress, and will inevitably buckle under the pressure.

Second, leaving campus before the final game of the season, and reportedly just 3 days after telling his team he wasn’t leaving, is Busch league. Does a coach loyal to his team and his players ever pull that move? Hell no. As a side note, this also further proves my point that the BCS system is bogus. If your coach is leaving an undefeated team before the final game—a supposedly illustrious BCS bowl game—than the system is flawed. You’d never see a college basketball coach leave for an NBA or college team before March Madness—they won’t even interview until their team has been bounced! Leaving on these terms is poor form, and shows the character of a man who can’t see his penis without a mirror and a yoga mat.

Turns out the problem at Notre Dame runs deeper than the coaches, it’s the athletic director, Jack Swarbrick and his addiction to stretch marked coaches. By hastily picking Kelly, Swarbrick still hasn’t realized that fat coaches need to be tranquilized, not paid. This past week, Notre Dame fans were forced to sit idly by and watch their athletic director prematurely court Kelly, and usher in another 5 years of inadequacy.

There was no controlling it.