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Vikings Coach Brad Childress Grows Back Mustache in Power Play (Satire)

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN - MAY 4:  Minnesota Vikings head coach Brad Childress talks with the media after rookie camp on May 4, 2007 at Olympics Place in Eden Prairie, Minnesota.  (Photo by Scott A. Schneider/Getty Images)
Scott Schneider/Getty Images
Dan NelsonCorrespondent IDecember 26, 2016

Over the last few weeks, an epic battle for control of the Vikings has raged between Brett Favre's silver scruff and Brad Childress's newly acquired beard.

Since Childress became coach of the Minnesota Vikings, he has often ruled with an iron mustache. Until recently, when the coach switched to a more "Minnesota Outdoors" look, the mustache was a staple.

Commentators have been scrutinizing Childress over his decision to grow a full beard, because of the dulling effect it has had on the powerful mustache.

After much speculation, the mustache, which many claim can be seen from outer space, has made an appearance once again on the coach's face.

When asked about his decision to remove the rest of the beard and groom his mustache, Childress said; "It's standard operating procedure. This is something we do week-in and week-out."

Brett Favre, whose audibles have frustrated Childress lately, said of the mustache; "It's a technique coaches have used for years to exert their dominance. But, man, I've been in this game a long time and I've never seen a 'stache like that one."

Since re-instituting the mustache, Childress has overruled the important decisions of everyone, from the trainers down to the team chef.

Childress has also brought corporal punishment back into the locker room.

After dropping a catch in practice, Vikings receiver Bernard Berrian was given 10 "hand-lashings."

Scientists have linked the powers of the mustache to a rare strain of hyper-PMS. Renowned human biologist Mike Darwin, said of the 'stache; "It causes mood swings we have never seen before and exerts complete dominance. The entire array of human emotion is unleashed within that mustache."

It remains to be seen how the mustache drama will play out in Minnesota. Will it lead the Vikings to victory, or will all of the Vikings be sleeping on the proverbial couch for the rest of the season?

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