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Thirteen Things That Will Happen to The Houston Astros in 2010

PHOENIX - JUNE 14:  Lance Berkman #17 of the Houston Astros waits on deck during the major league baseball game against the Arizona Diamondbacks  at Chase Field on June 14, 2009 in Phoenix, Arizona.   The Astros defeated the Diamondbacks 8-3.  (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)
Christian Petersen/Getty Images
Richard ZowieCorrespondent IDecember 31, 2009

Ok, so I've spent a few blog postings whining about how Houston Astros owner Drayton McLane knows as much about baseball as ESPN columnist Rick Reilly (who famously has whined about how boring baseball is despite getting euphoric about that wonderful cure for insomnia, golf). I've also worried about Houston's off-season moves and how creamed cauliflower will have a better 2010 than the 'Stros will.

Today, we take an acrostic look at what Richard Zowie (that's me) thinks will happen to the Astros in 2010:

H ouston sports fans will be treated to much-needed entertainment when Houston Chronicle columnist Richard Justice and McLane engage in a celebrity mud wrestling contest. McLane will win by peppering Justice with Brussels Sprouts from one of his grocery stores.

Roy O swalt will decide he doesn't like the configuration of Minute Maid Park's mound, so he'll bring that tractor McLane gave him a few years ago and will dig up the mound. Oswalt will dig too deep and will find the remains of Canadian comic Tom Green's film career.

U nderwood, as in Carrie Underwood, will perform a concert at MMP and will invite Lance Berkman on stage to play a song on his baseball bat-shaped guitar. Simon Cowell will offer Berkman this advice: don't quit your day job.

S t. Louis Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols will get lost while driving to Minute Maid Park and will wind up north of Houston in Conroe. There, at a convenience store buying a map to find his way, he'll find a baseball on the ground. That ball found, will have Brad Lidge's fingerprints on it. Its the same ball Pujols hit back in 2005.

LaT roy Hawkins will have a great year in Milwaukee, making 'Stros fans cringe.

O ut of nowhere, Jose Valverde will call the Astros and offer to pitch for them for two million dollars in 2010 and free grocery shopping at McLane's stores.

Bob Kn epper, the former Astros pitcher, who controversially commented in 1988 that women should not serve as Major League umpires, will encourage Houston to sign a few female softball stars believing they could do a better job for Houston than the players out there.

A ll will seem lost when Drayton McLane perturbs new manager Brad Mills by putting on a uniform, sitting in the dugout and screaming, "Put ME in the game, skip! ME! ME! ME!" Mills will pretend to not speak English.

S eeking pitching help, the Astros will make headlines by inviting Texas Rangers president Nolan Ryan to training camp and a shot to make the starting rotation.

T o the amazement of everybody, former one-time Astros Mitch "Wild Thing" Williams will make a comeback and will record 129 saves on the season. Asked the secret to his success, Williams will reply: "I learned a new pitch. It's called a 'strike.'"

Wandy R odriguez will develop an unhittable pitch. He'll throw nothing, but will insist it's his "invisible fastball". He'll strike out 884 batters.

O verly excited about the Astros' 2010 chances, Sports Illustrated will feature Houston on the cover of its 2010 baseball preview issue--thereby guaranteeing the SI Jink against the Astros.

S evere thunderstorms will damage MMP to where the Astros will get a taste of nostalgia by playing two weeks in the Astrodome. The 'Stros will do so well there they'll refuse to return to MMP.

Happy 2010!

Richard Zowie's a Bleacher Report blogger. Send comments below or to richardzowie@gmail.com .

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