New York Mets Wishlist

OK, while I do not celebrate the commerce-fest that is Christmas (never mind the Pagan-steeped themes of the season, but that is for another forum), in the spirit of this time of the year, here is MY personal “Wish List” for our favorite bumbling New York team.

For Fred and Jeff Wilpon: A freaking clue. These two have no idea how to run a show, and don’t tell me they are businessmen. Bernie Madoff blew THAT cover off last year.

For Omar Minaya: An asbestos lined suit. Poor guy, he has no chance of really improving the team, as the biggest upgrades he could get are now all off the market. The natives are restless and at the gates with pitchforks already and spring training is still months away.

For Jerry Manuel: A laugh track. At this point, the most entertaining thing at postgame interviews is Jerry’s attempts at humor. Bump up the background a bit.

For Dan Warthen: A 1984 Delorean with optional flux capacitor. He needs to go back in time to when he was highly thought of. Oh, and running the AAA pitching staff with Rick Peterson in the big boy chair.

For the Mets’ Training Staff: A brand spanking new Ouija board, a really good malpractice lawyer, or a shiny new account at CareerBuilder.com. Those butchers did more to stop the Mets last year than Cole Hammels, Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, and Jimmy Rollins combined.

For David Wright: A pull hitting swing at home. At least once in a while, how about jerking one down the line instead of into the cavernous gaps, Deedub?

For Jose Reyes: A Sam’s Club membership, so he can get IcyHot tubes at a volume discount. We need him on the field at least 150 games a year to have ANY shot.

For Carlos Beltran: A Swedish masseuse on the payroll full time. And earplugs. The guy guts it out every year with some kind of leg trouble, and idiots complain about him all the time, without realizing they are watching one of the best centerfielders not only of today, not only in the franchise history, but ever. If any player can be underrated in New York City, CB is the guy.

For Luis Castillo: A two year’s supply of whatever it was he drank over the past off season. Whatever it was, it must have been legal, because he looked 25 again last year. OK, maybe 30…

For Mike Pelfrey: A set of shiny brass balls. He has the stuff, he needs the moxie.

For Francisco Rodriguez: Some leads in back to back games, and a team wide ability to catch a popup with two outs in Yankee Stadium. He was lights out before that nightmare game, and got too infrequent work after.

For Bobby Parnell: A one way ticket in one of those old fashioned baseball helmet topped golf carts. Right back to the bullpen where he belongs.

For John Maine: A strike pitch that is down in the strikezone. the guy has the high cheese, but he needs that bottom half of the zone pitch that is actually a strike to force the batters to take it seriously instead of spitting off it, fouling off that high hard one of Johnny’s and tiring him out.

For Johan Santana: Some stinking runs already. He has everything else you need.

For Oliver Perez: A trip on a balloon in Kansas. Maybe he’ll get swept to Oz, meet the wizard, and ask for a brain, heart, AND courage.

For Jonathan Niese: A new hamstring. Kid needs to be our #4/5 this year. A second (or third, if the Wizard does his job) lefty in the rotation is vital in a division with the Phillies in it.

For Alex Cora: Actual working opposable thumbs. He brought class, grit, and professionalism to a team that desperately needed an huge infusion of it.

Read the rest at Mets Paradise!