New Endorsements For Tiger Woods (Satire)

Jeffrey BoswellAnalyst IDecember 18, 2009

AUGUSTA, GA - APRIL 13:  Tiger Woods reacts to missing a putt on the 13th hole during the final round of the 2008 Masters Tournament at Augusta National Golf Club on April 13, 2008 in Augusta, Georgia.  (Photo by Harry How/Getty Images)
Harry How/Getty Images

In the wake of the Tiger Woods scandal, Accenture has dropped its endorsement deal with Woods completely while Gillette and Tag Hauer plan to limit Woods' role in their advertising campaigns.

Few doubt Woods' ability to rebound as a golfer, but will he be able to recover his marketability as an endorser and spokesperson?

If anyone thinks Woods won't, at some point, again be one of the most sought-after product endorsers, then they are probably living on a secluded island somewhere in Sweden.

It may take some time, but why should he wait? Why not capitalize on his marketability now, before the endorsement opportunities for an adulterous, scheming, superstar athlete fade?

We all know just as soon as Woods wins another major—and he will—corporate America will be clamoring for his name on their product.

No matter the circumstances, we all love a winner, or a pretty face.

Has anyone ever heard of Kate Moss? She was photographed snorting cocaine in 2005 and had most, if not all, of her endorsements yanked.

Now where is she?

She's back on the cover of major magazines and is still one of the world's top models.

Woods wasn't caught doing cocaine, but "blow" was, in fact, involved.

Woods could begin with a major deal as the sole celebrity spokesman for a telecommunications firm known as "Uchitel," which specializes in cell phones that automatically delete voice mail messages after they've been heard once and before they've somehow been intercepted by major news outlets.

Woods is already on board with Nike, and the introduction of his new "Adulterer" line of active wear would surely capitalize on the growing market of cheating spouses. "Adulterer" clothing is much like your typical jogging suit, just without pants.

In addition, Nike could roll out the Tiger Woods "A Game" sportswear collection.

This exclusive line features Woods' signature "final round" red color on all short and long-sleeve shirts, and each is adorned with a large, embroidered "A," unofficially known as the "Scarlett Letter."

Gatorade has already decided to discontinue its' Tiger Woods sports drinks.

Before Woods clears his reputation, a shrewd marketing executive could tap Woods to endorse the new "Fornicator-ade" sports drink. Of course, "Fornicator-ade" might want to steer clear of Gatorade's signature slogan, "Is it in you?"

Then again, maybe "Fornicator-ade" could utilize an offshoot of that slogan, and have Woods say "Is it in you? How about you? You? You? You?"

Woods would be perfect for this product.

After all, no one's built up a thirst quite like Tiger Woods.

We can't forget about golf equipment. What golfer wouldn't want the Tiger Woods 88° wedge, guaranteed to get you out of any jam.

Also, there's the new Tiger Woods golf ball, standard with 368 dimples, one for each of Woods' "transgressions."

And who couldn't use a shatter-proof windshield? We all could, and what better place to have it installed than Maaco, newly endorsed by Woods.

"Icy Hot" Pain Reliever?

This would be a golden opportunity for Woods to make a name for himself in the field of pain relief. As Woods could attest in his testimonial, juggling a career, a wife, a family, and numerous other affairs takes a toll on a body.

"'Hot' for the frigid relationship at home. 'Cold' for the steamy relationships elsewhere."

Woods no longer endorses Buick, but everyone knows Woods drives Cadillacs.

Naturally, Cadillac should have Woods speaking on their behalf, particularly their safety rating, which has recently been proven to withstand the wrath of trees, fire hydrants, and an angry, golf club-wielding wife. All this without airbags even deploying!

Everyone uses butter and everyone would love to use butter with Woods' name on it.

With the simple slogan, "Tiger Woods Butter: You'll Wanna Spread," it's bound to be the hit of the dairy aisle.

Watchmaker Tag Hauer has decided to remove some ads featuring Woods. That's too bad, but only for Tag Hauer.

It would be a great time for Timex to jump in and slap a watch around Tiger's wrist. It would be great to hear Woods in a Timex commercial with the words "Timepiece, or time for a piece?"