Juiceboxing 101: 10 Ways Diego Sanchez Could've Beaten BJ Penn

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Juiceboxing 101: 10 Ways Diego Sanchez Could've Beaten BJ Penn
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UFC 107: Penn vs. Sanchez has come and gone. We all know how thoroughly UFC lightweight champion BJ Penn beat down Diego Sanchez, and most of us have gotten over it by now. A lot of MMA fans are acting as if this was the obvious conclusion to the fight, but I seriously disagree.

Here's a list of 10 things Sanchez could've done against Penn that would've won him the title.

 

10. Mean-Mug Harder

The ridiculous staredown before the fight had everyone at my Hooters chuckling to themselves. Joe Rogan, being a stoner and former host of Fear Factor, has seen some ridiculous things in his life.

So for Joe to call your game face "cartoonish" tells you something. No one is intimidated by those over-the-top facial strains.

 

9. Get More Takedowns

Seriously. Going 0-24 on takedowns is laughable. You should've brought Penn to the mat at least once.

Obviously, there was a point when you were only, say, 0-5 for takedowns. You had almost been stopped, and it had become crystal clear he was the better fighter.

Let me ask you this: Why in the world would you go for more takedowns in the fifth round? Were you hoping for a 10-5 round? Were you going to slap on a picture-perfect gogo and tap him out?

At some point, the strategy changes.

 

8. Chant "YES!" More

I understand that chanting "YES!" to yourself, whether it's coming to the Octagon or just doing cartwheels in your backyard, is very important to you. However, when it becomes your gimmick, you need it make it work for you.

Some people have suggested that you stop doing these things. I say you need to chant something a little more realistic. Imagine how awesome it would've been if you had stomped to the ring that night chanting "MAYBE! MAYBE! PROBABLY NOT THOUGH!"

By being more humble, you wouldn't be as embarrassed in defeat.

 

7. A Voodoo Doll

I can't think of any reason this wouldn't work.

 

6. Take Steroids

I know they're illegal and your win would be considered a loss after you failed the test, but you've failed tests in the UFC before and you're still around.

We'd still love you. And the UFC production team would love you for your incredible highlight-reel slams throughout the fight.

I'd much rather remember a fight in which you powerbomb BJ through the mat, rather than one in which you hugged his legs for 20 minutes.

 

5. Loaded Gloves

If I told someone "Diego hit eight of 108 strikes on BJ Penn last night," they'd go: "Wow, that's pathetic."

BUT, if I told you "Diego hit BJ Penn eight times last night...with a loaded glove," you'd go: "Damn, is BJ dead?"

Now who's licking blood off their gloves?

 

4. Let the Judges Screw It Up

With the way the UFC main events have been scored lately, I'm pretty sure at least one judge had you winning some rounds. I really don't know what they're watching for sometimes, but if history has taught me anything, it's that I don't know shit about scoring fights, and neither do the judges. Which gives you the advantage here.

Grinding out a decision made have resulted in another earth-shattering controversy, and a title change in Memphis. If only it wasn't for...

 

3. I Can See Your Brains

For crying out loud, don't get cut so bad. The doctors didn't hesitate at all after looking at the enormous vagina forming on your face.

Next time, keep your chin tucked, your hands up, and your forehead closed. What a nightmare.

 

2. Drink Your Own Urine

I can think of one fighter off the top of my head that drinks his own urine. And he's the best, from what I hear. It could've given you an extra edge over BJ that night.

You could've drank piss to avoid eating shit in Memphis.

 

1. Be Georges St-Pierre

It seems to work for Georges St-Pierre.

 

So there are the 10 ways Sanchez could've sneaked past BJ and claimed the lightweight title. Honestly, I was cheering for him all the way into the fifth, and my friends and I are still bummed about how bad he got destroyed.

I wrote this to laugh off the frustration. And because I'm a little scared of BJ Penn now.

Slip that in your juice and drink it.

 

"The Juice"

Justin Orel

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