Rebels, Utes, Redskins and Cougars: Oh My!!!! (Satire)

Eddie DzurillaCorrespondent IDecember 12, 2009

NEW ORLEANS - MARCH 13:  University of Mississippi Rebels mascot, Col. Reb, runs during an intermission in the SEC Men's Basketball Tournament against the University of South Carolina Gamecocks at the Louisiana Superdome on March 13, 2003 in New Orleans, Louisiana. The University of Mississippi defeated the University of South Carolina 62-56.  (Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)
Doug Pensinger/Getty Images

The University of Mississippi has shortened one of its fight songs to discourage football fans from chanting "the South will rise again" during part of a song played by the school band before and after games. Ole Miss Chancellor Dan Jones asked the school's band director to modify the song to support the efforts of the Associated Student Body. He said he has received complaints from alumni that the slogan is offensive.

"The fact is, the phrase 'The South Will Rise Again' is not part of our tradition or spirit, and it is inconsistent with the university's values and what Ole Miss stands for—a great public university with a focus on the future," Jones was quoted as saying. The decision has not been universally accepted, however. Some fans have continued to recite the chant at the end of the song, From Dixie With Love , despite the change.

Well, the fact is the South is 0 and 1 , and in case a rematch is scheduled the nuclear subs are parked in Connecticut. So perhaps the decision had a bit to do with the stark realities of the situation.

The Associated Student Body Alumni, in an effort to placate those who think that their mascot, Mr. Reb, is offensive, have proposed changing the name to the Mississippi Overseers. “Hell, the players are students and students need oversight and direction” stated Joe “Smiley” Fournette, head of the Jackson Area Chapter.

In related news, the University of Southern California has announced that it is getting rid of its nickname, the ‘Trojans’. “We play Notre Dame every year, and they feel strongly in the sanctity of life and that every sperm is sacred” stated PR Director Biff Doodley. “Having a name associated with a popular prophylactic device was hard on us, hard on our players, and very, very hard on our cheerleaders”. They will now be known as the USC ‘Natural Rhythm Method’.

Notre Dame , for their part, has announced that the nickname “Fightin’ Irish” will be abandoned after the upcoming season. “Figures of speech and characterizations of ethnic identities that may have been appropriate in earlier times are no longer in vogue” stated University spokesman Father Luvboys. “We’ve researched it via focus groups, and have come up with a new moniker that reflects both modern sensitivities and our proud ethnic heritage. Henceforth, we'll be known as the "Happy Go Lucky" Irish.

Father Luvboys also mentioned that the Notre Dame band is enforcing a don’t ask, don’t tell policy, to bring the unit into line with current Catholic teaching and theology. “Hey, if gays aren’t good enough to march in a parade with Boston and New York City firemen, why should we let em’ in our band” he stated.

Controversy continues to reign at many campuses across America, and in the professional ranks, that the use of Indian tribal names and nicknames is offensive to Native Americans. Officials at the University of Utah ‘Utes’ have attempted to sidestep the issue, claiming that the name does not refer to the native tribe in the region. “A guy from Jersey who was an early Mormon pioneer came up with the name” stated Utah History Professor Brigham Young XXXVIII.

“He called them utes. Ya know, young guys.  Like, these utes these days, they got no respect for their elders”. When asked about the feather and Indian iconography that also accompanies the team, Young XXXVIII said “aw, that’s just fer decoration….coulda been anything, we jus thought the feathers looked nice.”

The Washington Redskins , in the meantime, continue to be wholly unapologetic about their use of a term widely thought to be the equal of the “N” word to Native Americans as the nickname of their team. Washington, who’s fight song originally said “fight for old Dixie, which was later changed to fight for old D.C.’, was formerly owned by George Preston Marshall, an avowed racist who made Washington the last team in the league to integrate in 1962 (and under duress by the Federal Government), Marshall managed to continue his racist ways after death; In his will he left a considerable endowment to fund a charity dedicated to helping underprivileged children in the Washington area. The document however, contained a provision that stipulated no money was to be used to help minority children. Not even, um,....redskins…Nice, eh.

And in a final note, in order to separate themselves from other schools such as Washington State and BYU who also use the nickname “Cougars”, the University of Houston announced that they were updating the mascot to “fit the new image of the school, and the area of Houston, capitalizing on assets that the area is well known for”.  The new mascot will be a late 30’s to mid 40’s woman, who shops at the right stores, belongs to the right clubs, maintains that size 3 figure with a strenuous workout regime, and has had just enough touch up surgery to enhance without being obvious, (and a decent monthly payment coming in from a former spouse.) Houston is taking applications for their new Cougar mascot, with assurances that the winner will get dibs on all those ‘scrumptious young thangs’ currently on athletic scholarship for the football team.  So let’s go Houston, Cougar up!