Tortorella Ties Knot. Rozsival's Pet Gerbil Goes Missing!

Mr. ControversyCorrespondent IDecember 11, 2009

The head coach of the New York Rangers John Tortorella has tied the knot. In all this chaos that has been going on, the head coach has had his mind on other things.

Battling blistering, bleeding and burning anal problem, dealing with a losing team, and not being able to remove his face from in between Wade Reddens butt checks, John Tortorella was recently diagnosed with hemorrhoids!

Tortorella has been know to play pitch and catch for about two years now. He first came out of the closet when he had a problem with left winger Vinny Prospal. The two had a huge argument when John was coaching in Tampa Bay do to the constant advances Tortorella made towards Prospal Who continuously explained to Tortorella that he was not that way. Finally Tortorella was fired from Tampa Bay and went into announcing games and working on his degree to becoming a gynecologist for men.

This would explain the hemorrhoids and the lack of doing anything right in regards to this Rangers team. It further explains why the head Coach continues to play Wade redden and Michal Rozsival.

Last night Tortorella and Rozsival tied the knot after practice in upstate New York. This is illegal in the state of New York but then again, it is illegal to impersonate being a head coach of a professional hockey team. Tortorella is guilty of both actions.

The relationship started last year when Tortorella took over at head coach after Glen Sather fired Tom Renney.

Rozsival was also seen coming out of Reddens room late at night and when asked he refused to answer. It appears the three have a three way relationship going on. That would also explain Tortorella face being glued in Reddens butt. We tried to talk to the head coach, but he was moving around like he was being attacked by a rabid wolverine, and do to obvious reasons we could not understand what he was saying. It appears that Torts tongue is stuck in the holiest of holes and there was a matter of Rozsival ‘s pet gerbil being missing.

When you look at the way Rozsival has been playing, it is quite obvious that he is the pitcher in this relationship and getting away with murder. It also appears, John Tortorella is nothing more then an experienced salad tosser , and not an experienced coach!

It also appears that the only smart person to come out of New York last year was Nikolai Zherdev who fled the country never to be seen again. Colton Orr and Scot Gomez also fled the country but were captured in Canada. At Tortorella request the two ex Rangers are being forced to visit Madison Square Garden with in the next 3 months. At this point in time we can only wish them luck.