Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
It's a plan the 9-3 Bengals are likely to follow when they travel to Minnesota for a game of which the outcome will likely have far-reaching seeding implications.
"It seems that the police aren't the only ones slowing down the Vikings," says Favre. "Adrian Peterson and Bernard Berrian were both busted for speeding. But being around so many 'speed freaks' makes me feel just like I'm back in my home state of Mississippi."
"As for Adrian, it's no wonder that kid is so strong. He's carrying around a lot of weight. Not only does he have a 'lead foot,' he's got 'hands of stone,' as well."
"But it's December in Minnesota, the time of year when the danger of 'exposure' increases.' And we were exposed last Sunday night in Arizona."
The Bengals, like the Chargers, are 9-3, and the No. 2 AFC seed will likely go to one of those two teams. The Bengals have already won this year in Green Bay, Pittsburgh, and Baltimore, so they are confident they can do the same in Minnesota.
"We like our chances under the dome," says Chad Ochocinco. "And I've got a great touchdown celebration planned. After I score, I'll tear off my jersey to reveal a Packers jersey. I'll take that one off to reveal a Jets jersey.
"Then, I'll remove that to reveal a Vikings jersey. Then I'll give Brad Childress a big hug. Of course, I'll recap it all on my Twitter account."
"You know, with the addition of Larry Johnson, posting tweets has reached a new level. My good-natured tweeting, coupled with Larry's politically incorrect tweets, has led to the coining of our new nickname, 'Tweetle Dee and Tweetle Dumb."
The fun-loving Ochocinco has run afoul of the NFL for last week's "sombrero and poncho" outfit, for which he was fined $30,000. He's busted again shortly before Sunday's kickoff, this time for paying the fine in pesos.
Ochocinco catches a touchdown pass as the Bengals get a Shayne Graham field goal in overtime to win, 27-24 .