My Affair With Tiger Woods

Jeremy FisherContributor IDecember 10, 2009

My door bell rang, and I knew it was not over.

It had been a long time since I had seen him; almost 6 months. I had been worried I would never see him again, feel him again.

I was wrong.

My mind drifted back to when it had all began...

The Players Championship, March, 2001. A 25 year old Tiger Woods was going for his for his first win at TPC Sawgrass.

I saw him stride elegantly by, gliding over the grass. He softly turned his head my way. When our eyes met, he paused. So did time and space. I felt warm, happy, thrilled. When he finally turned away it seemed years had passed.

After the tournament I was walking towards my car when a hand reached out and grabbed me. I saw a familiar face look up at me with an expression that said "please, please help me".

It was the beggar in the parking lot who I had given money to earlier. I kicked him, and told him to get a job and stop bothering people.

When I got in my car I was startled to see someone in my back seat. It was Tiger Woods.

"How did you get in my car?" I demanded.

"Is that so important?" Tiger replied, running his hands down my back. "You have something I want very, very badly. Come to my house tonight and I will show you what I mean".

That evening I went to his house and let myself in the front door. I was shocked to see Tiger Woods laying seductively on the floor, in only his boxers, smothered in body oil from head to toe.

Unfortunately, the events that followed can not be disclosed on Bleacher Report. Let me just say this: it was amazing!

Our relationship blossomed. We would go out to movies together, buy each other Build-a-Bears, and eat ice cream with the same spoon.

I'll never forget his adorable little mannerisms. The "how you doin', baby?" he would always ask me in the morning, or the "don't be such a silly goose!" whenever I asked if he was with any of the other golfers.

I was smashing the back windows of his cars one day when he told me it may be a while before we saw each other again. I thought it was over. I couldn't stop crying for months.

Then my doorbell rang. A distraught Tiger told me I could never speak of our relationship, no matter what happens to him. After a little romp, he left me to myself,  and I contemplated what he had said.

The very next day Tiger Woods was admitted into the hospital. You know the story from there.

I am sorry I have to do this. I didn't want to tell anyone, but the world deserves to know the truth, and this will be better for my Tiggy in the long run.

In the mean time, I am lonely and can use some company. Any takers?