Juiceboxing 101: Shane McMahon Took Over the UFC (Satire)

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Juiceboxing 101: Shane McMahon Took Over the UFC (Satire)

Juiceboxing 101 and BleacherReport.com have teamed up once again to provide the MMA community with the absolute juiciest in UFC rumors, previews and reviews.

Occasionally, I’ll be throwing some exclusive material for guys that you would not, could not find ANYWHERE else.

The following are actual scripts from actual phone conversations between UFC President Dana White and UFC Image Consultant Shane McMahon. Enjoy, and remember, you heard it here first.

This first one is in regards to the upcoming Ultimate Fighter Season 10.

Dana:  Okay, first off, we need to write the new season of The Ultimate Fighter. The formula has gotten a little stale the past couple seasons, so this year, we need to step it up. We’re looking at some of the top middleweights –

Shane: Heavyweights. I want the biggest guys you can find, Dana. We talked about this.

Dana: Um, all right. I can get you some heavyweights. As for the coaches, we were thinking of –

Shane: Who’s that funny black guy with the chain on his neck?

Dana: That’s Rampage. He’s going to be busy with a title shot though, so –

Shane: Give it to someone else. People are going to wanna watch this Rampage guy. We can give him lots of jokes and set up lots of confrontations within the house.

I know a guy who used to make tables for my dad, he could set up a real nice door for us, and Rampage can just tear it up after a loss. Whaddya say?

Dana: (laughing) That sounds excellent, actually! But the thing is, there aren’t too many talented heavyweights on the rise right now. They're all kinda p******, bro.

Shane: I’ve made a living taking guys with NO talent and making them millionaires. I actually have a list of guys we’ll have on the show. I need a big name to base the whole thing off of, first off.

Dana: I can get Kimbo Slice, no problem, bro.

Shane: OK, we get Kimbo. We need a freak, an ex-football player, we need… aren’t there a lot of British guys in the UFC? We’ll get a Brit. We need to up the sex appeal of the show, bit time. And finally, we need a retard of some kind.

Dana: What?!

Shane: Well not totally retarded. But guys with handicaps always get over.

Dana: Well… damn. I bet Wes Sims is available; some people have questioned his mental health.

(So Wes Sims was signed. The freak became everyone’s favorite fat man, Roy Nelson. The ex-Tampa Bay Buccaneers' first-round draft pick Marcus Jones found a role on the show, despite gassing during the audition. James McSweeney became the resident bloke. And as for sex appeal? Dana went out of his way to get Titties on every episode.)

T

his next one is following the Dan Henderson contract fiasco.

Shane: So who’s this Dean Harrison guy that won’t sign with us?

Dana: Dan Henderson. He was the PRIDE Light Heavy-

Shane: Oh wait, I googled him. This guy with the short, brown hair and flat face?

Dana: Yeah, he’s an Olympic wrestler, he beat –

Shane: Where’s the tattoos? Dana what I’m hearing is, this Dean Harrison wants a lot of money to continue being boring and using up PPV time that we can give to bigger, awesomer guys.

Dana: Well, I was thinking we put him against this guy Nate Marquardt. They’ve both lost to –

Shane: HEY! We should have Chuck Liddell and Tito Ortiz fight each other. (laughing) Can we?

Dana:  Shane, neither of them has won a fight in 3 years. And they’ve already fought twice. They seriously suck.

Shane: (laughing) REMATCH OF THE DECADE! I love it!

(As it stands, Henderson is signed to Strikeforce; Chuck and Tito are coaching the next season of The Ultimate Fighter, leading to their fight at “UFC 114: CHUCK-TITO 3: Wow, REALLY?”)

These texts were made to Shane McMahon from Dana’s cell phone during the Ultimate Finale Live on Spike TV.

Dana: Wud up Shane/? Kimbo and Houston went to decision. Houston won 2 of the 3 rounds, need help!

Shane: Kimbo wins. Put 30-27 on one judge. People love him!

Dana: K Thanx.

And later…

Dana: What do u think? DQ Jones or give him the win? W/b asap!

Shane: Give it to the deaf guy. No one will boo a deaf guy for getting a bullshit win. And we can always blame it all on Mazzagatti!

Dana: Lolz, I know right!

Shane: The important thing is, Hulk Hogan is sitting at ringside. Let the fear factor guy yell at him a little bit.

Dana: lol allrite.

So there you have it. The Hogan interview, the Kimbo show, the titties, the BJ Penn-Diego Sanchez war of words. The ripped up door, the "black-on-black crime" theme, Wes Sims in a karate gi.

The entire three-ring circus that was TUF’s 10th season and Ultimate Finale were a carefully concocted fiasco under the watchful eyes of Dana White and Shane McMahon. Together, they are putting the entertainment into MMA. Nothing can stop them now.

That’s why I’m posting this to the world. People far more powerful and influential than I need to read this and take action, because I myself cannot. But together, we can help save MMA. Who’s with me?

Who’s drinking the Juice?

(Note: Obviously, this entire post was made up. Top to bottom, fake. The picture is clearly doctored; every word and quote of the article is untrue. None of this has ever happened. I’m just trying to be funny. I apologize for that, also.)

Justin Orel

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