Brian Kelly Decides to Coach Cincinnati And Notre Dame Next Season

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Brian Kelly Decides to Coach Cincinnati And Notre Dame Next Season
Andy Lyons/Getty Images

(Fake News)

Two hours before today's Big East showdown against Pittisburgh, Cincinnati head football coach Brian Kelly made a stunning announcement: he plans to coach both Notre Dame AND Cincinnati next season.

In a statement released by the school, Kelly had this to say:

"As most of you have noticed, I am bored. Over the last three seasons I have treated the Big East like Michael Jordan would treat a homeless basketball league. I have absolutely dominated.

I have racked up a 32-6 record against inferior competition and because the competition is so poor, I'm only in the coach's office on UC's campus about three hours per day.

So last night, I did the math. If I only have to spend three hours a day coaching Cincinnati, this means I could can put nine hours a day towards coaching Notre Dame and God knows they need it and then I could put three hours towards the Cincinnati-South Bend commute—which I will make in a Black Hawk helicopter that Notre Dame will provide. This would then give me three hours to hang out with my family and six hours to sleep."

Later in his 72 page statement, Kelly took a jab at some past Notre Dame coaches.

"People think that there is a problem in South Bend. There is a problem, it's called horrible coaching. I have more coaching talent in my elbow than Tyrone Willingham or Bob Davie had in their whole body.

And Charlie Weis, sweet Mary Magdalene, you give me Tom Brady and the Patriot offense and we would score 72 points a quarter, minimum. My infant son could have coached Notre Dame to nine wins this season and Weis only pulled off six."

When Kelly's statement was released at 10 a.m. this morning, many thought it was a joke. However, Notre Dame Athletic Director Jack Swarbrick confirmed the hiring in this statement released to the media just before 11:30 a.m.

"We've been turned down by Bob Stoops, Urban Meyer, and Gary Patterson, so at this point we're in a desperate situation that only Tiger Woods could possibly understand. We told Coach Kelly we would do whatever it takes to get him and at that point, he made a list of three things he wanted:

1. A Black Hawk helicopter
2. For me, Jack Swarbrick, to stop referring to myself in the third person
3. To still be able to coach the Bearcats.

Of course we said yes, no, and of course. Coach Kelly will be taking over on Tuesday December 8. He will coach the Bearcats from 9 a.m.-noon as they prepare for their bowl game and then he will fly to South Bend to practice with the Irish from 1:30-10:30 p.m.

Thank you for your time, we will comment further on this development next week."

 

For all things Cincy, check out It's Never Sunny in Cincinnati

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