Doug Flutie Returns to Boston College: Church Declares Holy Day
Chestnut Hill—While driving through the area on a promotional Flutie Flakes tour, Doug Flutie happened to visit the Boston College Campus. Flutie parked his Corvette with the license plate HsmnJesus emblazoned on the front and immediately called his nephew Billy, who plays football at BC.
A man down the street was fumbling around for a quarter to put into the meter down the road on Commonwealth Avenue. He yelled out to Flutie and inquired if he had a quarter to spare.
Flutie knew what he had to do. He reached into his pocket, rolled out into the middle of the street and floated a beautiful, spiraling 25-cent piece into the waiting arms of the skinny bystander. Flutie shot him a glance, winked, and jumped uncontrollably after completing the most miraculous coin toss since the '85 Super Bowl.
Flutie then made his way past St. Ignatius of Loyola Church and immediately confused many unsuspecting patrons when fans started to proclaim that the Messiah was returning. Churchgoers ran outside wondering if their years of service to the Catholic Church were finally rewarded, yet they weren't the least bit disappointed when they found out that Doug Flutie was standing outside and not Jesus himself.
School officials were notified immediately, and classes were canceled for the rest of the week. Flutie decided to hold his own lecture on becoming so awesome and succeeding while wearing size nine Nikes. As he gazed into the crowd, girls and boys alike began removing their shirts and screaming uncontrollably.
The school's administration decided it was about time to name a building after Flutie. Boston College now features the Douglas Flutie School of Nursing and Intimate Times. Doug also had them instill a clause that only Flutie Flakes would be served on Fridays in all the cafeterias.
After making a quick trip to the gym and dunking a few basketballs on some unsuspecting intramural players, Doug decided it was time to pack up and go. The Boston College Superfans started rolling up the 8,000-foot red carpet that had been rolled out before his every step and wished him goodbye.
Children cried and nuns wept that day as Flutie vanished into the horizon. Matt Ryan put his hands outstretched next to his ear and mouthed the words "Call me" as Flutie gave a wave. It will always be a memorable day for all at Boston College—especially those four girls who will have a lot of explaining to do to their parents.
Yet their parents will be glad to know that one day, they too will have a piece of the Flutie franchise.
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