Catching Up with a Gleeful Yankee Universe

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Catching Up with a Gleeful Yankee Universe
Andrew H. Walker/Getty Images

Good news for people who like their Yankees blogs served extra rare. (Of course, I refer to both the content's figurative juiciness and the blog's relative uniqueness.) Two meanings...rare...it's a homonym. Forget it.

What I'm trying to say is that the offices of River & Sunset are back in business after a month-long hiatus.

We apologize for our absence. We would've loved to provide wall-to-wall coverage of Mike Dunn's winter ball progress, but for us, November was all about basking in the glow of the Yankees' 27th World Series championship.

So what's transpired over the 26 days since our last post? It's bullet time:

 

Nov. 10

Brian Cashman says the roles of Joba Chamberlain and Phil Hughes are undefined, and that they'll enter spring training as "starters trained to relieve." Cashman then excuses himself to watch the third act of the 1990 film Home Alone in an attempt to find new ways to booby-trap the pitchers.

 

Nov. 11

Freddy Guzman and Josh Towers elect to enter free agency, ending their time in pinstripes. The stock market crashes and the streets are engulfed by riots. One fan unsuccessfully attempts to get store credit at Modell's on his personalized No. 47 Guzman jersey.

 

Nov. 13

Arn Tellem, the agent representing Hideki Matsui, calls the World Series MVP "ageless" in a story on the The Huffington Post. Hideki Matsui's knees respond by calling a press conference to refute the statement. Unfortunately, the comments were drowned out by the knees' constant screams of agony.

 

Nov. 14

Joe Torre says that watching the Yankees celebrate their World Series win was "surreal." You know what else is surreal? A bloated and cash-famished Paul Sorvino playing the former Yankees manager in the 1997 made-for-TV classic, Joe Torre: Curveballs Along The Way.

The movie was on something called The Hallmark Channel at 2 a.m. the night of Thanksgiving. Yes, I watched the whole thing, and yes, that's maybe the ninth time I've referenced this obscure movie in the 18 months I've been writing this blog. Deal with it.

 

Nov. 15

Rumors swirl that the Yankees are interested in acquiring Tigers center fielder Curtis Granderson, who was awesome...three years ago. You know who else was awesome three years ago? Lindsay Lohan. Things change.

 

Nov. 17

Royals right-hander Zack Greinke is the runaway winner of the AL Cy Young award, with Yankees ace CC Sabathia finishing a distant fourth. Sabathia responds to the perceived slight by eating his neighbor's dog.

 

Nov. 18

Angels manager Mike Scioscia is the runaway winner of the AL Manager of the Year award, with Yankees skipper Joe Girardi finishing a distant third. Girardi responds to the perceived slight by attempting to recreate another car accident scene in which he appears to be the hero. This leads to a marked decline in Tiger Woods' quality of life.

 

Nov. 23

Twins catcher Joe Mauer easily wins the AL MVP, with Mark Teixeira and Derek Jeter finishing second and third, respectively. Jeter could not be reached for comment, as he was making love in a super-impressive way to Minka Kelly. Teixeira, a robot incapable of human emotion, remains in storage at the Yankees' Tampa headquarters.

 

Nov. 25

Shelley Duncan declares free agency, ending his entertaining run with the Yankees. The folk hero of 2007 becomes a mortal lock to hit 26 home runs and strike out 160 times for the Pittsburgh Pirates in 2010.

 

Nov. 27

Bob Sheppard officially retires. The 99-year-old was known as "The Voice Of Yankee Stadium" from 1950-2007. He says that he has yet to visit the new park, but hopes to soon. I suggest Bob tries the nachos, which can be found on the main level rotunda on the first-base side. Freaking amazing.

 

Nov. 27

Don Mattingly is one of 26 players on the ballot for inclusion in the Baseball Hall of Fame's 2010 class. Inevitably, Mattingly will fail to earn induction, proving once again that, while there may be a God, he certainly has a cruel sense of humor.

 

Nov. 30

Derek Jeter is named SI's Sportsman of the Year for 2009. Jeter could not be reached for comment, as he was with Minka Kelly at a pool hall, doing that really cool A.C. Slater move where you lean over the hot chick and help her guide the billiard stick.

 

Dec. 1

The New York Jets, desperate to teach rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez how to successfully execute a hook slide (seriously), phone the Yankees for help, who, in turn, send none other than Joe Girardi for a one-hour tutorial. The move makes two things clear:

1) Girardi is now fully embracing the celebrity aspect of managing the New York Yankees, a concept that Joe Torre once reveled in. 2) The Jets again are exposed as a clueless organization, unable to get even the simplest of tasks right. Why have a member of your coaching staff or, hell, a fellow quarterback teach your franchise player how to slide when you can get a baseball manager! (DISGRUNTLED JETS FAN ALERT!!! DISGRUNTLED JETS FAN ALERT!!!)

 

That should get you up to speed. The Yankees are the Yankees, which means they'll certainly be an active presence at the winter meetings set to kick off next week. Bookmark River & Sunset for continued coverage as we head toward 2010.

 

Dan Hanzus writes the Yankees blog River & Sunset and can be reached via e-mail at dhanzus@gmail.com. Follow Dan on Twitter at danhanzus.

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