Tiger's Fearsome Foursome: Elin, Rachel, Jaimee, and the Queen of Gen X

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Tiger's Fearsome Foursome: Elin, Rachel, Jaimee, and the Queen of Gen X
Harry How/Getty Images

The inclusion of Jaimee Grubbs in Tiger's lineup necessitates a continuation of the story.  This is the third in the serial following Tiger playing football at West Virginia in 1979 and the sagas of Elin and Rachel.

*****

"Here. I borrowed this from Leonard Nimoy," says Winona, handing the Star Trek transporter remote to Elin. "Let's get out of West Virginia in the '70s. Yuk!"

"This is silly!" laughs Tiger. "Watch!" he mocks as he snatches the remote from his wife. "We're going to..."

The five of them have instantly left the Woods' house and are standing in a holiday-decorated retail mall store. It's Tiger, Elin, Rachel, Winona, and the tranny 1979 West Virginia back-up quarterback in the pink Jacqueline Kennedy outfit. A big sign advertising AT&T's offering of iPhones with 3G at 99 dollars blares before them.

"We're not in Kansas any more," says Rachel.

"No, you're in Nebraska," says the woman in the white jump suit walking up to them from their left. "I'm Jaimee, I just flew in here to Omaha from Vegas, and boy, do I have big news for you, Elin."

Elin places her hands over her mouth.  "You cannot be serious!"

"Serious, Blondie. Twenty times, at last count."

Elin is numb. That was so cruel, she thought.  Today is bad enough without this Jaimee dog messing it up further.  The others want to help, especially Tiger, but that would be awkward.

"Okay," says Elin after some contemplation. "I'm in charge, since I'm the one getting the screws."

Rachel and Jaimee snicker together.

"You two golddiggers," Elin shouts, "Over there! Out of my sight!" The pair grows frightened and complies.

"Tiger, get out of Rachel's sizzler skirt and for God's sake, trade the tighty-whities in for manly boxers to go along with your new Dockers.  I don't care what your women say."

Tiger stares.

"Go! Go! You, too, Backup! Go to a sports bar! Jeez Louise! Queenie. See if you can keep your sticky hands off the merchandise and pay for something. Just buy me something! Anything! Treat me right, Ryder!  You're the only one who hasn't done the boffo with my husband!" 

"Does he play music?" Winona asks seductively.

"He seems to be a virtuoso with those two woodwinds over there! Go!"

Elin slowly walks to Rachel and Jaimee. They begin to notice their attire. Mrs. Woods is doing the Daisy Duke very well. Jaimee is comfortable in all white, interestingly. And Rachel is happy Backup has disappeared since she hates to wear the same outfit as anyone else.

"Okay, ladies...er...," says Elin. "How are we going to figure this out?"

"The only way. Competition," says Rachel.

"I'll do it," says Jaimee.

"Well, I'm in, too," adds Elin, smiling. "I didn't sign a prenup. If I lose, one of you two will be paying me for life."

"Four," says Winona approaching from the right. She's carrying a University of Nebraska bag with Calloway irons and cheap Walter Hagen metal woods.

Rachel doesn't notice her. "What's the game, girls?" she asks.

"Duh! Golf!" says Miss Ryder.

The women look around at each other, grinning.

"Delicious irony," says Winona.

"Hey!" a man shouts from several feet away. "Pay for the clubs, honey, or...hey, you're..."

"That's right," Winona says.

"Well, keep them," the man says. "It's an honor to have you steal from me."

Elin realizes that she has not actually played golf in a while, even putt-putt. Rachel and Jaimee have been with many golfers in the biblical sense, but still don't know how to set up a round. Winona despises athletics, except perhaps New Zealand rugby, and only then when she's had too much expensive pinot noir she's "obtained" from Ralph's market in NoHo.

"How do we do this, Blondie?" Jaimee asks.

"Do I look like a golfer?" Elin shouts.

"Hey," says Rachel, "here's an idea. I once took the rope hard to a high official at that college football thing, the BCS or something. He said he does the impossible with an impossible situation."

"That describes us to a tee," Jaimee says.

"How do we find him?" asks Elin.

"Well, let's step in here to AT&T and teleconference the guy," suggests Rachel.

Before anyone knows it, the fearsome foursome are waiting for the guy on the other end of the laptop to pick up the phone.

"John Swofford's office, Fred Haines speaking," says the phone. An image appears. It's a gaunt middle aged man with a jet black combover wearing a dark gray glen plaid suit. A Confederate flag, the Stars and Bars, hangs behind his moderately large head.

"Freddie, it's Rachel!"

"I'm not speaking to you," Freddie says with a pout.

"Freddie, baby, Tiger was business. You're the man."

Elin boils over. She removes the sand wedge from Winona's bag and takes a backswing at the backs of Legs' knees. Jaimee stops her.

"Okay, Rachel," Freddie says with resignation. "You're so hot and I love you. What do you need to know?"

"I need to know how the BCS or whatever you are would set up a championship with us four," Elin says.

"One of two ways. You could do it like the Ryder Cup."

"What's the Ryder Cup?" asks Jaimee.

Winona ponders.  "A C when I'm skinny."

"What's the other way?" asks Elin.

"We at the Bowl Championship Series arrange polls of human voters..."

"As opposed to computer voters?" quips Jaimee.

"Along with the computer voters," says Freddie.

"That's really scary," says Rachel.

"We run the weekly poll results beginning in mid-season. At the end, somewhere around the first weekend of December, a championship game is set up."

"Cool!" exclaims Rachel. "Can you do that for us four?"

"Only two," says Freddie.

"Two?" asks Elin.

"That's right.  All we can do is two or the presidents of the universities get all torqued," replies Freddie.

Elin swings the sand wedge again and kneecaps Rachel.  "Why me? Why me?" shouts The Legged One.

Tiger's wife turns to Jaimee.  "You want a piece of my short game, Twenty?

"No. I'm good."

"Then it looks like me and Queenie for all the marbles. Try around one hundred million of them, Spock.

"That's a haul," says Winona.

Three hours later, at The Cold Spot sports bar

"Twenny?" asks Tiger, head weaving, eyes glassy, finally wearing pants.

"And," says Jaimee, "I have photos of every one of them."

"Nice touch," Rachel says.

"Twenny."

Backup has taken off his Jacqueline Kennedy pink pillbox hat. Tiger has it cocked on his head like a beret. However, the funky QB and Rachel still look like twinsies.

"Why couldn't you dress like Princess Di?" Rachel asks.

"Last week," Backup replies.

Cackles emit from down the mall. The four look around at each other. Laughter gets louder. Suddenly, Winona and Elin stagger into The Cold Spot arm-in-arm to the table.

"I guess the round went okay?" Backup asks.

"She cheats!" exclaims Elin.

"No," says Winona.

"A mulligan a hole is cheating, you cheating hussy!"

"Life is full of do-overs, Mrs. Tiger Woods!"

"Cheater!"

"Well, you cheat, too, Bomber."

"I like how you kicked your ball out of a hazard, what, nineteen times!"

"Twenny," says Tiger.

"Well," says Winona, "I don't do well in sand."

"And, your scorecard! If you were an accountant, you'd be jailed for embezzlement."

"Oh," Winona says, "I'd get out of that."

Silence. Then, more cackles from Elin and Winona. They collapse in the floor, Daisy Duke and Ryder in the little black dress from West Virginia. Tiger gazes at Winona as she is laughing and writhing. Twenny, he thinks. Backup lusts for Tiger. Oh, yeah, he says to himself. Jaimee and Rachel look at Backup, then to each other.

Nah.

Elin lies motionless on the Cold Spot floor looking up to the ceiling. There to her left is her BFF. If her husband could play as much as Chopsticks on the piano, that man-bagging hag would be on him like he was the reincarnation of Hendrix. Sitting above her are Rachel and Jaimee. Sad. So sad, they are. And, here's Backup, probably the most pure of the bunch.

"Twenny," the still-inebriated Tiger says. "Sorry." He's pathetic. She smiles at him

Elin thinks of the old song from the 60s. The games people play, now. Every night and every day, now. Talking about you and me, Tiger. The games people play.

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