Tiger Woods: Accident, Mistress, and Photo Update (humor)

Joe GerrityCorrespondent IDecember 2, 2009

Rumors are swirling that Nike, the multibillion dollar corporation, is actually behind the recent damage to Tiger Woods' face.

Supposedly Nike CEO Mark Parker was so convinced that sales would drop after a major-free year, he crafted a devilish plan to scar the superstar. Details are lacking so far, but this photo tells a thousand words.

Despite this, Tiger Woods, the lone occupant in the lone vehicle of a one car accident in his driveway, was cited for careless driving by the Florida Highway Patrol.

The citation carries a fine of $142 dollars, leading to widespread speculation by the media that the billionaire will be forced to sell his two-iron.

The authorities said approximately 1100 police hours were needed to contain the media uproar outside Wood's gated community and conduct the extensive investigation whether or not Woods hitting a tree was coincidental or ironic.

It's being reported that the city kidnapped TMZ reporters in hope that ransom money could be used to offset the financial burden caused by the minor car accident. They ended up letting them go after nobody offered even a penny for their lives.

In other Tiger news, six women and a man have made statements claiming to have slept with Tiger Woods.

Not surprisingly, the women all gave up their story for money, which is probably why they had the story to begin with. The man later recanted his statement, claiming he made it up so chicks would sleep with him.

Tiger has bunkered down in his house and really isn't expected to leave anytime in the near future.

Oddly enough, cheating on his wife and getting in a car accident has made him more famous than being the greatest golfer of all time and the first sporting billionaire.

That explains the affection the public has with John Daly, who by the way offered Tiger some advise on being a redneck: "Ya know whatever happened, ya know, get up there with your wives and kids...and kid wives and tell the truth ya know. Whatever happened, ya know, you gotta play golf ya know.

It's was being rumored that Daly was possibly at the Woods household for Thanksgiving, but they were dispelled when photos of him passed out in turkey, vomit, and hookers were found outside a Hooters in West Virginia.

Padraig Harrington seemed thrilled at the idea of playing against an injured Tiger.

"We all wanna compete against Tiger and beat Tiger," Harrington said. "So yeah, it would be a nice time of the year to go head to head with him."

With Tiger out, golf officials are expecting the worst when dealing with advertisers. Just this morning the former PGA tour lost the letter "P" to Sesame Street.