Hey Grady, Pass the Coffee: Folgers Suing Sizemore for Nude Pics (Satire)

Chris MurphyAnalyst IDecember 1, 2009

GOODYEAR, AZ - FEBRUARY 21:  Grady Sizemore of the Cleveland Indians poses during photo day at the Indians spring training complex on February 21, 2009 in Goodyear, Arizona.  (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)
Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

Folgers Coffee is suing Grady Sizemore for taking racy photos with the product under no contract with the company.  

"If he's going to take pictures, nude or not, with our product then we want to make some marketing points with that," a Folgers CEO said.  "We want his sweet ass to make us some money...wait, don't quote that."

Sizemore said the photos were stolen from the e-mail account of his girlfriend, Playboy Playmate Brittany Binger, and posted online. He contacted baseball officials to stop the spread of the photos, which began appearing Sunday on various web sites.

In a non-related story, masturbation for women has gone up 500 percent since Sunday.  Cleveland males are hoping these pictures encourage Cleveland females to not only one day shave, but to get their pleasure from their computers and not them.  

Coffee companies, however, do not care how the photos got out or what this means for women masturbation numbers/female toy sales, but rather, how they can market the photos for themselves.

Starbucks CEOs felt it must have been their company's coffee in the photo simply because they did not realize other coffee companies still exist.  Under further investigation, coffee scientists say it couldn't be Starbucks coffee because it's not in a Starbucks container and "no one buys that Starbucks packaged crap."

Dunkin Donuts representatives knew the coffee was not their brand based on the fact America Runs on Dunkin and "the only place Grady ran last year was to the bench."

When asked how they knew it was their coffee in the cup, Folgers CEOs said, "It's the best part of waking up and clearly Grady had just woken up based on his morning wood...wait, don't quote that either."