A Few "Irresponsible" Stories About Tiger's Accident

J. Michael MorrisSenior Analyst INovember 30, 2009

SAN FRANCISCO - OCTOBER 11:  Tiger Woods of the USA Team waits with his wife Elin on the 13th green during the Final Round Singles Matches of The Presidents Cup at Harding Park Golf Course on October 11, 2009 in San Francisco, California.  (Photo by Scott Halleran/Getty Images)
Scott Halleran/Getty Images

Fame, beauty, success, money and power.

Tiger has them all, along with a model wife, and two healthy children.

What Tiger is also being accused of having, is either a trashy girlfriend who notches her celebrity affairs on her proverbial bedpost, or a very low tolerance for thanksgiving wine.

This story reminds me of an old Quentin Tarantino film where he would first get the audiences attention with a seemingly random and shocking incident like a car accident or shooting and then fill in the back story later in the film.

Suspense is built when the "why" of a story is drawn out and told through several out of context snippets.

Speculation is being fueled in the media because we have enough information to make some very logical assumptive leaps, but not enough to rule out even the most salacious scenario.

What if Tiger grudgingly spent the day cooking Thanksgiving dinner for his wife and in-laws instead of watching football? Then his unappreciative trophy wife sent all the help home for the holiday weekend and Tiger ended up doing the dishes, too?

After a hard day slaving away in the kitchen, Elin decides that she and her unnamed family member are going to see Twilight, New Moon at the local multi-plex theater. This would leave Eldrick home alone with his two young children.

As any father knows, the best course of action in this situation is Dimetap cold medicine for the kids and a nice bottle of Merlot for the father. All three of you will be asleep within 20 minutes.

Elin wanders in around midnight giggling about how dreamy werewolves are and how a Tiger would never stand a chance against a vampire. Tiger asks her politely to put a sock in it because he's trying to sleep off some pain pills and red wine.

Understandably, he was feeling a little hermatile (look it up).

One thing leads to another and Tiger tells Elin that she can have her immortal movie character because he has another actual human woman waiting for him right now at the closest local chain hotel.

All logical so far...right?

This may not have happened to me a few years ago with the roles reversed, but my wife wasn't dumb enough to drive into a fire-hydrant...allegedly.

I personally cannot wait to hear from Tiger Woods directly on this one. When I say directly I mean over a couple of beers at the country club. Call me anytime Tiger, if you need to talk to someone.

Not the accident, but the alleged affair.

Humans make mistakes, but having incredibly good judgement is perhaps the only reason sports fans admire Tiger. As I said before, golf is NOT a sport in the athletic sense.

One thing is certain, Tiger will not lie to police about the circumstances surrounding the confusing car accident late Thanksgiving night. Either he avoids making legally significant public statements about the incident or he will tell the entire truth and accept the consequences.

It's what golf teaches.

I wish that the ridiculous story that Tiger's wife and agent are pushing was even marginally believable because the two media sources who are disputing them are TMZ and The Enquirer. How terrible is our mainstream media if these two organizations are the most credible sources on any topic.

Without a 2:30 a.m., low-speed car accident twenty feet from home that required his wedge wielding wife to smash out a back window and drag Tiger to safety, nobody would give any credit to the aforementioned media stories.

Here's a lesson in public relations for Elin: when you make up a story, try to make it MORE logical than the tabloid explanation.

Tiger, like the gentleman his image suggests, is attempting to take the heat for his wife by possibly staging the entire event. She could get jail time if his injuries were the result of Elin's golf swing. How embarrassing would that be for his family?

For the record, in case any of my future ex-wives are reading this, Tiger deserves a seven-iron sandwich for the Enquirer making up anything about his possible interest in anyone other than his beautiful wife and mother of his perfect children.

Look for Elin's "Kobe Special" in future appearances, a ring that is more expensive than a house.

Something on this scorecard does not add up.

As Woods has learned over his illustrious golfing career, double check each score and make sure it equals the total before signing off on it.