Why Leave the Civil War Up To Chance When You Can Jinx Oregon State?

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Why Leave the Civil War Up To Chance When You Can Jinx Oregon State?

The biggest game of my life as a sports fan is Thursday. And as the clock creeps closer to kickoff with each minute ticking by, I am only getting more and more nervous.

Obviously, I can’t do anything to directly help Oregon increase their chances of winning, so I will resort to doing what I what do best: using my sharp, snarky, witty (I could go on forever…) humor to jinx Oregon State into losing a game that will only make those blockhead students from Corvallis just that more ashamed to call themselves Beavers.

It’s the least I could do. Seriously.

  • Jacquizz Rodgers has never fumbled once in his 498 career carries.
  • Because of that, his extra year of experience, and exceptionally sturdy knee ligaments, Rodgers is obviously better than LaMichael James.
  • The fly sweep is the best play in college football, much better than Oregon’s pitiful spread option attack.
  • Oregon State is first in the Pac-10 in passing yards while the Ducks sit in last place. There is no doubt that Sean Canfield is a better quarterback than Jeremiah Masoli. 
  • The Beavers have allowed the fewest rushing yards in the conference and tenth fewest in the country. It doesn’t matter that teams just decide it’s easier to throw the ball. Numbers don’t lie!!!
  • Crucial statistic: OSU has a better net punting average than the Ducks. Knowing that, why even bother playing the game? The Beavs have it locked up.
  • Jacquizz Rodgers has a 547.6 quarterback rating. Talk about Heisman!
  • If the Civil War was decided by picking two players from each team and adding up the points from their first name Scrabble-style on a per-letter ratio, the Beavers would win in a landslide. Jacquizz and Zeke? Are you kidding me? Can you even imagine how many points that would be on a triple word score?
  • Oregon State had more four-star recruits than Oregon in 2006. Talk about veteran leadership!
  • After last season, ESPN’s Ted Miller ranked Quizz as the fourth best player in the Pac-10. The Ducks didn’t get a single player in the top eight.
  • OSU cheerleaders are way hotter than Oregon cheerleaders, and look, they even took buddy pics ! How cute!
  • Oregon State has two more alumni than Oregon who have been in space. Look, they’re even smarter than us too!
  • In a state known for being green, Chip Kelly drives a Land Rover while Mark Riley drives a Prius. Everyone is always talking about how being environmentally friendly pays off in the long run. The environmental karma Gods are watching!
  • And lastly, the Beavers have a player with 12 fingers. Talk about an advantage; imagine what you can do with all those fingers! He could enjoy 12 ring pops at the same time! Delicious!


I sure hope the Gods of reverse jinxing are Oregon alums. Go Ducks!

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