Let's Assume Tiger Woods Played Football for West Virginia in 1979

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Let's Assume Tiger Woods Played Football for West Virginia in 1979
Scott Barbour/Getty Images

Tiger Woods is a 33 year old man among boys.

He has chosen 1979 West Virginia in which to fulfill his frustrated football fantasies because a) when you take off the flannel shirts and the Levis 505s and put those Mountaineer women in Donna Summer spandex, it's a good thing, and b) he therefore angers the boys because he's a babe magnet (21st century language), or stud (1979 language), and they don't know what to do about it.

Mr. Woods, as the boys call him, is a combination wideout/punter since a) he possesses the concentration of Job, b) he's over six feet tall and cut like an Adonis, and c) he understands how similar kicking to the "coffin corner" (1979) or inside the 20 (21st century) is to stroking an up-and-down two feet from the pin.

Tiger plays for West Virginia head coach Frank Cignetti, father of future Pittsburgh offensive coordinator Frank Cignetti, Jr.  This is unfortunate since, in spite of the fine man coach Cignetti Sr. is, his offensive strategy can be described by the popular cheer, "Run the ball, run the ball, pass, punt."

Things improve for Tiger as the 1979 season progresses.  The ineffective starting QB, tormented by questions arising from his cross-dressing habits, is replaced in the game against Cal-Berkeley by sophomore Oliver Luck, the future father of Stanford's quarterback Andrew Luck.  I'm not making that up.

I'm not making this up, either.  After the victory over Cal, Tiger meets Elin Nordegren, the best looking tall, blue-eyed, boot-clad, hot-panted, tube-topped (1979, not a fashion plate yet) blonde in a five state area, on the lighted dance floor of the popular Morgantown club Fever during the tune "Disco Inferno."  Their eyes meet at the line "Burn, baby, burn!"

Well, yes, I did make part of that up.  Poetic license.  Work with me.

Holding the rope outside Fever is the absolutely stacked (1979) Rachel Uchitel.  Rachel is built like a brick cathedral, where she the converted Catholic visits daily to confess her numerous sins, which happen on a regular basis.

Rachel will allow any hot (21st century) Sigma Kappa in a tight black dress (1979) to enter, but keeps every amorous engineering major out on the sidewalk.  Alas, the gearheads are left with no other choice than to check their FORTRAN computer programs at Clark Hall.

Tiger informs Elin that his Pierpont Hall roomies are at Clark Hall checking their FORTRAN programs.  The newly-minted pair will be alone.  Twenty minutes later, Tiger and Elin are out the Fever door.  Rachel seductively pats Tiger's fanny as he walks by, but Tiger thinks it's Elin.  How hot is that (21st century), Tiger asks himself.

Hell with it, Tiger says.  He and Elin drive in his 1979 Toyota Corolla across High Street down Walnut to the Monongahela River.  On the first attempt, Tiger flags down a tug boat pushing two barges of coal.  They board.  The captain, resting his Natural Light near the sonar, walks the couple to the bridge.  In ten minutes, they're married.

Where do you think Pam and Jim got the idea?

NEXT: Rachel plots a devious plan.

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