In an attempt to avoid losing to another school people forgot had a football team, Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen was seen punching himself in the face outside a bar at 2 a.m. It was the best use of his arm Notre Dame fans have seen all season.
Notre Dame fans cheered the fight between Clausen and himself, saying it was the greatest boxing match in the history of fighting. Surprisingly enough, Notre Dame moved into the ESPN Top 25 College Boxing poll soon after the scuffle.
"There is just so much tradition and his outfit was so cool," one fan said. "It's Notre Dame. They have to be in the Top 25."
When reminded that Notre Dame hadn't been relevant in boxing in 20 years, the fan said, "So? They are Notre Dame. Clausen, his face, and his fist are the greatest trio in college history no matter what facts say."
The red-headed, freckled fan then proceeded to dance a little jig while drinking Guinness and talking loudly about beating his wife.
Mobs of Fighting Irish fans are swarming together, however, to hunt down Jimmy Clausen for fighting Jimmy Clausen.
"We don't know the facts, but we are positive Clausen sucker punched himself," Timmy O'Toole, the leader of one of the mobs said.
"Although they are awful, we must stick with the players, talk about their potential and the higher standard Notre Dame has for them, and, more importantly, deny facts against them."
When asked what he thought about evidence saying Clausen brought the fight against himself on himself O'Toole said, "A Notre Dame player never does anything wrong."
O'Toole then proceeded to pound the table with his hand while laughing hysterically at his own jokes.
ABC bought the rights to Notre Dame boxing and will have a rematch of Clausen vs. Clausen on Thanksgiving.