God Admits Mistake: Apologizes To The World For Making France

It started with the French Revolution.

In the following decade, out of fear for the safety of the British Empire, England forced an Act of Union with Ireland.

The consequence was two centuries of oppression to the Irish and rampant terrorism.

Heck, I know the English are primarily responsible, but I wanted to put some historical perspective on the screwjob France pulled on Ireland; I hope to Jesus they're finally done.

I of course refer to Thierry Henry's brilliant moment earlier in the week when he forgot what sport he was playing, deciding that the most appropriate way to win in soccer was to shout, "Kobe!" and alley-oop a cross for a header to some other tart who also enjoys powdered donuts.

Since the most recent national embarassment perpetrated by the French on the international scene, it seems the entire country has sat around drinking Champagne and discussing silly hats; they have gone on with business as usual denying Irish calls for a fair replay.

To put this into perspective for my fellow Americans, it would be like if the U.S. got trounced by Albania in our "football" but cheated in overtime for the win and then refused a rematch because the winner went to the greatest Superbowl game of all time.

Yep.  Thats how bad France looks.

I feel so bad about the situation I need to come clean.

I had been a lifelong French soccer fan.  I loved France on the international stage because I loved the great Desailly growing up.  I stuck with them through the Zidane headbutt justifying his passion crime by saying Materazzi deserved what he got for running his mouth off.

I'm old school.  A good ass-kicking is often deserved.

After this horrendous display of French sportsmanship, I took my '98 (Desailly) World Cup jersey and threw it in the trash.

And no, I didn't go digging it out ten minutes later.

I'm Irish-American.  About seventy-five percent of this country can trace its roots back to some sort of Irish heritage.

Some of your ancestors likely got screwed over by the French in a historical context, and for retribution, the French cheated the homeland out of a World Cup bid.

Many people are saying the correct path of action in this situation is to simply forget it and move on.

I say hell no!  Boycott French products (pretty much perfume, Perrier, true Champagne, jelly donuts, and scarfs), cheer against them at the Cup, and go back to calling them wholesome crops: "freedom fries."

I could blame the Swedish referee or FIFA, but who really cares about Sweden and a soft organization like that?  Besides, their PS3 games are way too much fun.

I will continue to hate France.  I will be expecting a major apology from their limp President in the near future.

Ah, who am I kidding?  This is the country that is building a giant particle accelerator that could end the Universe for minimal scientific advancement and refuses to stop the project despite THE POTENTIAL FOR ENDING ALL OF EXISTENCE.

Move over America, the world has a new biggest asshole; I don't think we can top them anytime soon.