Albert Pujols Wins NL Cy Young Award (Satire)

Lewie PollisSenior Analyst IIINovember 19, 2009

LOS ANGELES, CA - OCTOBER 07:  Albert Pujols #5 of the St. Louis Cardinals looks on before taking on the Los Angeles Dodgers in Game One of the NLDS during the 2009 MLB Playoffs at Dodger Stadium on October 7, 2009 in Los Angeles, California.  (Photo by Jeff Gross/Getty Images)
Jeff Gross/Getty Images

The Baseball Writers Association of America has selected St. Louis Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols as the 2009 National League Cy Young Award winner, according to a press release from Major League Baseball.

“This is an incredible honor,” said Pujols, who has not pitched a single inning in his illustrious 10-year professional career. “I am truly humbled.”

Pujols hit .327 with 47 home runs, 135 RBI, and a 1.101 OPS in 2009. His 366 career home runs are more than any other player has accumulated in his first nine seasons in the history of baseball.

“It was a fantastic choice,” said Cardinals manager, Tony La Russa. “Pujols is the most talented player I have ever worked with. Congratulations to him and his family.”

“Come to think of it, I’ve never seen him pitch,” La Russa added, “but I have to imagine he’s good at it. I mean, come on. He’s Albert Pujols.”

“I’m a big believer in WPA, so I had been planning to vote for Chris Carpenter,” said BBWAA voter, Andrew Nuschler. “But then I heard somewhere that Pujols was as good of a pitcher as Walter Johnson.”

“Walter Johnson,” Nuschler continued, “Can you believe that? How do you not vote for Walter Johnson?”

“Nine years in the majors and he’s never given up a hit,” said PJ Ross, also a member of the BBWAA. “He’s got a nine-year perfect game going.”

“The only question is, why hadn't he won the Cy Young before?”

While Pujols received 32 first-place votes, the decision was not unanimous. An escaped mental patient impersonated a BBWAA voter and cast his ballot for Adam Wainwright.

“Wainwright led the National League in wins,” he said, “That’s all that matters. Wins are the best, most objective way to measure pitching, so Waino was the obvious choice.”

Pujols has had a terrific offseason so far. In addition to the Cy Young and his forthcoming selection as NL Most Valuable Player, he has won four Silver Slugger awards, earned three Gold Gloves, and was named American League Manager of the Year.

“We also tried to give him [NL] Rookie of the Year,” Nuschler said, “but for some reason they wouldn’t let us. They said he couldn’t win that twice.”

“Stupid killjoys,” he added.

Over the past few weeks, Pujols has been recognized outside of baseball as well. His name has surfaced in discussions about the Heisman Trophy, and the United States military recently awarded him a Purple Heart.

In addition, Pujols was elected Governor of both New Jersey and Virginia on Nov. 3. He has not yet publicly discussed his plans for balancing the executive duties of two separate governorships with his baseball career.

In other MLB award news, AL Rookie of the Year Andrew Bailey has told teammates that his plaque has “Matt Wieters” engraved in it. They say Wieters’ name has been sloppily crossed out, with Bailey’s name scrawled above in black Sharpie.


(In case it was not apparent, this article is a joke and all quotes are fictitious.)